As a betch, we put a lot of clout in the calorie content of like, everything. This includes our good friend, alcohol. I mean, if you didn’t KNOW for a fact that vodka sodas are like, the healthiest of all empty-calorie drinks, would you drink it? Probs not. To aid in our never-ending quest to drink and eat only calorie conscious items, we’ve put together a list of the calories for each of your fav liquors. Thank us later.
A 1.5-ounce glass of vodka—so like, with no mixers—is going to run you about 120 calories. That’s pretty decent considering you’d have to eat about 15 tortilla chips to get the same amount of calories.
If you order a Bacardi 151 Rum on the rocks, at 1.5 ounces, it’ll run you about 183 calories. No thanks. HOWEVER, if you decide to spend the extra five dollars and go for the Bacardi Gold, 1.5 ounces will only run you 98 calories. That’s like, 50 calories of difference. Can you put a price on not having thunder thighs? The answer to that riddle is no.
Being made from juniper berries means it’s less calories, so listen the fuck up. THIS JUST IN: A GIN AND SODA (LIKE SELTZER) WOULD BE LESS CALORIES THAN A VODKA SODA. No seriously, a 1.5-ounce serving of Tanqueray Gin is 115 calories vs. our Smirnoff vodka at 120 calories. Given, some of the higher grades of vodka come close, and some are even less than the gin, but for the most part, gin wins out for less calories than vodka. Mind. Blown.
HOLY SHIT—this one is even lower than the others. A 1.5-ounce serving of Jose Cuervo Gold is only 96 calories. Like wtf?! I mean, I can’t drink tequila cause it makes me too friendly, but for those who can, viva las skinny life.
Ohhhhhh Jack Daniel—we have a love-hate relationship. Again, 1.5 ounces is only going to run you about 98 calories. So go ahead, mix it with your Diet Coke. We won’t fucking tell.
6. White Wine
If you’re classing it up with a glass of Franzia, the box for which you may or may not keep under your bed, know this: it isn’t THAT bad. Like, it isn’t great, but a 5-ounce glass is going to run you about 100 calories. I mean, that’s like a few crackers. You do you.
7. Red Wine
A 5-ounce glass of red wine has about 125 calories, so like, not terrible. We recommend mixing it with fruit and brandy for sangria to like, make it worthwhile.
We promised never to speak of it, but here we are. This is like literally the worst alcohol you can imbibe, as it’s 226 calories per 1.5 ounces. That’s fucking gross, guys! Steer fucking clear of Everclear.
Hooray for alcohol. We love you forever <3