Say, have you ever looked at a picture of Kim Kardashian on the red carpet and thought, “boy oh boy, do I ever wish my boobs looked like Kim Kardashian’s big beautiful chest beefers?” Of course you have. Who hasn’t? Now, Kim Kardashian is like 4’11” and probably looks like someone who lives under an overpass in L.A. when she takes her clothes off IRL, but I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t motorboat her boobs all the way to Cuba. You can admit it, too, it doesn’t necessarily make you a lesbian — the fact that you played catcher on the softball team and were the bottom of the pyramid at cheer practice makes you a lesbian. But if you were wondering how she keeps her sweater kittens looking so good despite two kids doing their level best to drag them down to her knees, the answer is that she doesn’t. She uses fucking tape, instead.
I signed up for her fucking app to get the whole story, where she reveals that gaffer’s tape (something used mostly by unpaid interns in the entertainment industry, I assume) is the stickiest. Is ripping your fucking nipples off worth looking like you could bounce a quarter off your cleavage. According to Kim, it apparently is. It’s why she does this:
To be able to wear something like this:
Totes worth it! Was it worth selling my soul to Kim Kardashian’s team of data scientists and penis pill email spammers for a few titty pics? Probably not!