Kimberly Noel Kardashian (Thomas Humphries) West turned 37 years young this weekend, and other than a celebration of Keeks making it another rotation around the sun, it was a prime Instagram opportunity. The official birthday party was a “super low-key” brunch at Kris Jenner’s house. But instead of bottomless mimosas and a rally vom in the bathroom before her food arrived, the family had Khloé’s strawberry cobbler and a birthday cake from Hansen’s Cakes (#ProductPlacement).
Obvi the birthday was combined with an update to Kim’s app, because it’s not really a Kardashian milestone if it’s not an excuse to make money—well, unless it’s a milestone in Rob’s life, because the Arthur George sock line has been neglected during this whole Blac Chyna debacle. Since we won’t know about whatever overblown argument the sisters had at the brunch until next season of KUWTK, here’s a social media breakdown of Kim Kardashian’s b-day.
Khloé’s Instagram: A Kardashian daughter hasn’t looked this much like Kris Jenner since Kourtney dressed up to recreate Kris and Bruce’s sex tape with Scott. Kim has perfected the confident smirk of a woman who owns an empire posing with the rightful heir to the throne. But North has revealed her own Blue Steel—the “my father will accuse you of being racist during a charity telethon and declare to the world that you didn’t deserve an award you just won if you try to fuck with me.”
Kourtney stepped up and fulfilled the obligatory pic where you look better than the person whose birthday you’re celebrating. Say what you will about the Klassic Kardashian semi-nude post, but at least it’s consistent as hell.
And don’t worry—Kris broke out the #ProudMama. If she doesn’t have that copyrighted by 2018, she and Yolanda Hadid-Foster have been wasting their time.
Noticeably absent on the Instagram birthday wishes front were Kylie and Kendall. Kendall kind of makes sense because her IG is just a pet project to her own narcissism, and very few of her posts are not of her. Kylie, though, wished her friend Jordyn a happy birthday on IG a few weeks ago, so why snub Kim? Is there a secret Kardashian-Jenner pregnancy rivalry going on? Does Kylie think she’s too good for Kim now that she’s making that lip kit money? Do they just wish each other a happy birthday in person like some common plebians? I’m going with the pregnancy rivalry. I cannot wait until these kids are born and they get to fight over whose mom is a bigger thot.
To thank her family and friends for the social media wishes, Kim posted her own Insta featuring a shit ton of crystals. We can only assume they were the world’s best birthday gift from Spencer Pratt. So HBD to our girl Kim K, we can’t wait to see what this next year will bring…other than furious competition for baby attention between Kim, Khloé, and Kylie.