Betches Love This Conspiracy Theory: JonBenét Ramsey

PSA: If you’ve never heard of JonBenét Ramsey, prepare to have your life changed. You won’t sleep for at least a week, and you’ll start spending all your spare time thinking that you know what really happened.

This month, CBS aired a two-part special that was focused on reinvestigating the murder of JonBenét Ramsey. Now literally everyone is talking about it, and we all want to know what happened to that beautiful little pageant queen. Here are the basics: the day after Christmas in 1996, 6-year-old JonBenét went missing (w/ a shady AF ransom note), and then several hours later her body was found in the basement of her house.

oh shit

20 years later, this case remains frustratingly unsolved. Basically, there are two choices of what could have happened. Either her parents or brother did it, or some psycho broke into their house and got away with it. Basically everyone with common sense knows it was a family member, because there’s basically zero real evidence that there was an intruder in the house that night. Also, any betch who’s ever seen Law & Order knows that it makes no sense to kill someone in their home and then move the body to hide it somewhere else in that same home.

On the CBS special, they basically decided that JonBenét’s mom wrote the ransom note, and that JonBenét died from being hit in the skull with a giant flashlight that was left in the house. The CBS investigation team low-key jumped to like a ton of questionable conclusions, but it seems pretty unlikely that there was ever any sort of kidnapping situation going on. BSCB justice crusader Nancy Grace def thinks the mom did it, which wouldn’t be surprising, but people are also v suspicious of the 9-year-old brother Burke, who acted incredibly shady when he got questioned at the time.

It's shady

If you’re sitting here wondering “why aren’t these monsters in jail,” there are a few reasons. First, her mom Patsy died in 2006 from ovarian cancer, so like, that’s a dead (sorry) end. Her brother Burke was too young at the time of the crime to be prosecuted, so he could literally confess and not go to jail. Then, in 2008, the whole family was officially let off the hook when it was announced that an anonymous DNA sample had been found on JonBenét’s underwear. This is for sure suspicious, but like it still could have been the dad.

So really we probably won’t ever know exactly what happened, which is disappointing AF but there’s also something fun about an unsolved mystery. Tbh our favorite thing about this is the conspiracy theory that JonBenét survived and is actually Katy Perry, which is unfortunately as untrue as it is hilarious. Have fun thinking about this one, we promise you won’t sleep tonight.

can't sleep


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