So last year there was all this drama between Johnny Depp’s wife, Amber Heard, and the Australian government. Amber and Johnny tried to bring their two dogs into the country without obeying quarantine laws. It was kind of a BFD because Australia is so fucking far away from the rest of civilization that bringing new animals, germs, or bacteria to the island could really fuck them over. I feel like that should have been explained better in the Mary Kate and Ashley Olson movie Our Lips Are Sealed, but whatever.
Australia, like all single, middle-aged women who still thought they had a chance with Johnny Depp, was really mad at Amber. And Amber was like “why are you so obsessed with me?” Everything is fine now, but for a little bit Australia threatened to kill her dogs and send her to jail, which seems like it could be the third Legally Blonde movie.
Anyway, to appease the Aussies, Johnny and Amber recorded the world’s weirdest “apology” video. First, the camera placement is bizarre—they’re both looking down at it. Like did Johnny get tired of holding the selfie stick, so they put the iPhone on the floor? Second, it’s more scripted than The Hills. It sounds like they’re both reading a script written by a second semester senior just trying to pass her last final. Third, it literally seems like they’re being held hostage. President Obama should probs activate the Navy Seals just in case. All in all, this apology is a combination of a middle school English project video and an ISIS hostage tape.
Still, I would rather watch this video on repeat than watch the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie.