143. Jewish American Betches

Chelsea Handler. Sloan from Entourage. Rachel Zoe. Joan Rivers. Cher Horowitz. Larry David.

What do all these people have in common? They’re not goyim, obvi, they’re all hysterical Jewish betches. Now we all know that betchiness has nothing to do with race, ethnicity, religion, or the natural frizziness of your hair. It’s about your self-centered attitude, your inability to branch out, and how swiftly your opposable thumbs can text. Can you think of a group more skilled in these areas than Jewish American Betches?

vanessa hudgensLooks like someone has a jewish stylist

We know what you’re thinking. We’re about to describe your typical Juicy-on-the-ass-wearing, most-renowned-plastic-surgeon-hiring, Shabbat-candle-lighting Jewish girl. No, those types of girls fall in the category of Jewish American Princesses, who are really just betches-in-training with a proclivity towards the circumcised penis.

There’s a very distinct difference between Jewish American Princesses and Jewish American Betches. JAPs are your stereotypical Jewish girls who, much like their ancestors, travel in clans. But instead of loincloths and sandstorm-resistant sandals, they wear Uggs, leggings, SDT sweatshirts, and Longchamp bags. This garb is so prominent you’d think it was inscribed in the Torah. However, the difference is that the JAP maintains a middle school mentality whereas the JAB evolves into a more mature and accepting mean girl with a less elastic wardrobe.

Unlike with most other populations, Jewish girls have a distinct life cycle that’s common to every one of them. The reason is that JABs are especially skillful at #107 not branching out, so they easily can be found in congregations wherever they go…and we don’t mean the last row of temple. They can be found primarily on the east coast with headquarters in Scarsdale, Roslyn, Livingston, the Upper East Side, Boca, Hollywood, and Matteo’s.

Let’s talk about the evolution from the JAP to the JAB:

JAPs in middle school: Middle school is jappiness at its prime. It wasn’t about who had the nicest jewelry, it was about who could wear the most jewelry that everyone else had. You thought you were cool with 1 Tiffany bracelet, well look at the girl behind you, she has 2 and you can bet they both have the same fucking engraving. And what about that loser who thought she could pull off a Nine West pencil case when in reality, the commandments dictate it is Herve or bust…that is if you wanted to be invited to anyone’s bat mitzvah.

birthrightJust another JAB dressing sluttier than her camel

Speaking of bat mitzvahs, let’s talk about these scandalous celebrations full of wasted adults and poems that read: Aunt Judy Aunt Judy what can I say? I’m so happy you’re not dead yet on my special day. But seriously, why do these celebrations occur at age 13 aka the most unattractive year of your life? Jewish mothers spend thousands on photographers to capture their kids at their most pimply and metal-mouthed moments. You think YOUR basement is scary, you should see the Goldbergs’, full of lifesize cardboard cutouts of their four sons.

But bar mitzvahs are great. Not only do you get to come home with a cool new sweatshirt and the story of how you gave Spencer his first boner under the temple stairs, but you also get to bring home an amazing wax mold of your own hand!

Sleepaway camp and teen tours: Most JAPs start sleepaway camp when they’re 8 years old and will spend the next decade obsessed with their camp friends and reciting the mantra “I live 10 months for 2.” For those who are unfamiliar with sleepaway camp, think Promises or Cirque Lodge but instead of coke fiends you have tweens bitching that the lack of air conditioning is reversing their Japanese hair straightening.

After 8 years of honing your tennis game and hooking up with bros at sleepaway camp, you and your camp besties will go on teen tours and travel to exotic destinations such as Hawaii and Europe with groups of JAPs from other camps…but you won’t make any new friends, obvs. You think a teen tour means roughing it in the wilderness? Maybe if you think the wilderness is a hotel that occasionally arranges their towels in the shape of an imperfect swan. OMG MOM. YOU PAID FOR THIS? WE STAYED AT A 2-STAR!

jewish menLeft: Who JABs think they’ll marry… Right: Who they’ll actually marry

If you didn’t go on a teen tour, we have a sneaking suspicion you could’ve been found taking fake classes at UCLA, Penn State, or Michigan. Then when it came down to it, you only got into Arizona.

College: This is generally when the transition from JAP to JAB begins. JABs not only grow up together, but they also flock to college together at either Michigan/Wisconsin/Indiana/Syracuse/Emory/BU/GW/Miami/Penn/Cornell, where their #85 freshman roomie will be their home bestie’s BFF from Timber Lake. But over time, the jappy mentality fades and JABs become more unique. As in, they’ll still shop at the same stores with the same friends but buy slightly different things. Another sign of emerging jabbiness is announcing that you hate “the scene” even if you are the center of the scene, ironically. JABs love the scene but love to “avoid the scene,” which is basically another way of saying you’re avoiding…yourself.

Let’s talk about the college version of teen tours. Birthright, obvi. Every JAB goes on birthright during or immediately after college. You will never encounter a JAB who has gone on birthright and doesn’t say that they “Omgggg loveeee Israel!! I wanna like, live there.”

Post-college: After college if a JAB doesn’t go to LA, she moves to the Jewish Quarter between Park & 2nd Ave/30th and 40th St in NYC. Who needs J-Date when there’s Windsor Court?

But while JABs may mature mentally and physically, there are certain qualities that will always remain the same. Their phone will always be an additional limb, their mothers will always be harrassing them to get married, and their dads will always be either lawyers, surgeons, or so rich that their money is budding from itself. And last of all, you can be sure that the JABs will always be on the hunt for the Afikomen a Jewish husband who can maybe pass for 6 feet.

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