Betch of The Week: Jessica Jones

Netflix decided to debut Marvel’s “Jessica Jones” last week, and already the world has like, collectively lost their shit about it. Probably because its titular character — Jessica Jones, duh — is a straight up betch. 

Jessica wears all black, has jet black hair, and smiles approximately 0 times. Plus like, how seriously betchy is the name Jessica Jones? If your name is an alliteration, you are destined to be a betch (for reference, see: Coco Chanel, Tiffani Thiessen, King Kong, etc.)

Jessica is a betch you don’t want to fuck with. Mostly because she’s an undercover superhero with PTSD that can literally stop a moving car. She’s strong as hell, but claims that she never works out, which usually is soooo annoying, but at this point, it’s like OK, you’re a superhero, so you get a pass.

She’s also 100% an alcoholic, but highly functioning, so it’s working out pretty much fine for her.

Plus Jessica’s circle is so fucking enviable. She has Luke Cage, resident bartender/sexy black guy who she fucks every so often, some lesbian lawyer who’s currently making me question my sexuality, and then ex-BFF/frenemy Trish, who’s basically like white Oprah in the Marvel Universe. (LOL suck on that squad’s dick, Taylor Swift.)

By day, Jessica’s a private investigator (literally like what betch isn’t?), but by night she tries to forget that she once dated this terribly sociopath bro Kilgrave, and it’s like, I feel you, Jess.

OK so yeah, Jessica’s kind of poor and lives in some really run down apartment in what shadily might be Brooklyn but is supposed to be the Marvel Universe, and that’s fine, because she’s sardonic and DGAF about anything. Proof: “Now I don’t give a bag of dicks what kind of kinky shit your into, just be into it quietly.” Classic Jess, not giving any fucks or dicks.

Anyway, cheers to you, Jessica Jones. Finally, a dark haired betch with a penchant for liquor and an affinity for black men…who isn’t a Kardashian. God love ya. 


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