The time has come. The Jersey Shore: Family Vacation premiere is officially here. What have we done in so many years without GTL, T-shirt time, and without knowing when the cabs are here?
We start off with a montage of what’s to come this season, and it seems to have all the makings of really sad people trying to come up with storylines that are ~interesting~. There’s crying, nudity, a proposal, hitting each other while dressed as giant balls, jumping into a pool, and villain Angelina—aka the Staten Island dump/dirty hamster—making a SURPRISE appearance that was definitely a total surprise, and she, like, wasn’t asked to come by producers and paid for it at all. It’s like every sitcom I’ve ever seen. Can’t wait until there is a pregnancy scare (oh wait, they did that last season).
I expected more from you guys.
Oh my god, there’s a brand-new intro. My favorite part is how little everyone’s face moves. Like, wow. They can’t even really smile.
We open on our favorite guidos at home.
Snooki: I love being a mom!
Also Snooki: Stop, give me my phone!
Can we talk about how Snooki is still married to a guy she cheated on twice with Mike “The Situation” (oh, come on, we all know she did it), and Vinny (which they got on camera)? Also, when she met him, she said on camera that he was bad in bed and she didn’t find him attractive. Like. They are still together. And I can’t even get a text back??
JWoww also has screaming babies—this is super depressing. Oh good, Jenni and Roger don’t have sex anymore. Married life sounds magical, guys.
Pauly D is the only one who ended up with a career because of this, so good for him. He shows off his at-home arcade, shoe collection, expensive motorcycles, and cars. Is this show an ad for not having children? They are really selling it well.
Ronnie knocked up a chick in Vegas, which is weird because I thought he was dating Kardashian BFF Malika Haqq? I guess she found someone who isn’t horrible. Ronnie shows off photos of his maternity shoot with the gf, and just no. It’s a lot of him shirtless in jeans. Oooookay, Christian Grey. How long will we give him before he fucks a rando?
Vinny doesn’t live with his mom anymore; he lives around the corner from her. Baby steps. Also, she does his laundry. And cuts his food for him. This is sick. He also has a girlfriend.
Wait, Deena married Chris? Deena cried every episode last season (by last season, I mean like 6 years ago when the last season aired) because she missed him and called him obsessively, was hammered every day, and got arrested. Who knew this is how you get men to lock it down?
Mike “The Situation” is back with his college sweetheart, which is the girl he dumped to do the first show and kept on the hook in between seasons ever since. Wasn’t he on drugs for years? And she waited around for him? He is also still waiting to hear about his potential prison sentence.
How are none of these people single except Pauly? What is Jersey Shore without the guys bringing home grenades?
The girls are driving to the shore together. They are still talking about being married and having babies. And Jenni’s breasts. Yawn. Wait, did they just say Miami? Are they going to Miami? The fuck?
Ooooooh okay. It’s cold in Jersey right now, so they’re going to Miami for this vacation. I forget places have weather. It seems like they could just wait to film? Like it’s been what, six years? What’s six more months? Maybe the Family Vacation premiere is actually just all of them getting eaten by alligators. Whatever, it’s already renewed for season 2, so I’m sure we’ll be back at Karma soon enough.
They stop at the Shore Store on their way to Miami. I don’t geographically know where they live compared to all this stuff, but okay. They talk to Danny about how Sammi Sweetheart is not here. She’s apparently in a happy relationship. Yeah, I don’t blame her. Being trapped in a house with any ex would suck, but Ronnie straight-up destroyed everything she owned so yeah, probably good to stay away from that kind of toxicity. But on the other hand, how does she make money? Like, what kind of resume do you send when your career is Jersey Shore: Rahn Stop?
Danny gives himself credit for their careers. Sure, that’s why they’re all on the Family Vacation premiere: their outstanding ability to sell screen-printed T-shirts.
Danny: By working at the Shore Store, you all have husbands.
I mean, pretty sure you can find broke-ass husbands anywhere, it’s more the millions of dollars that came with the show, but okay Danny, nice priorities.
Snooki has to take a shit. Cutting-edge TV, people. Oh look, she doesn’t really need to shit, it was a trick. She’s now at the shore house making out with the duck phone. K.
Snooki: Oh wait, it’s probably dirty!
Yeah, Snooks, everything in the house is really fucking dirty. Because of you.
Vinny and Sitch are working out together. Vin is on a quest to get abs.
Vinny: I’m doing better physically spiritually mentally.
Mike is talking about how he’s being accused of tax evasion. He’s putting his faith in God for the outcome. You know what’s so funny about that? Don’t evade your fucking taxes and then you don’t need to drag God into it. Like, the fuck. You aren’t being accused; you fucking (allegedly) did it!
Snooki stole the duck phone to bring to Miami so we can hear its incessant quacking all season.
The girls are talking about how they consider each other sisters and all the guys brothers. I think there is something really creepy about referring to someone you ever fucked or tried to fuck as a sibling, but who knows, maybe that kind of shit flies in their families?
Deena is mad at Ronnie because he didn’t reach out when her dad died. They Facetime Mike and he’s talking about pleading guilty (’cause he fucking did it… allegedly) for less time, but he’s potentially going away for 5-10 years. I just don’t have sympathy for people that commit very dumb and obvious crimes.
Snooki: I saw Orange is the New Black, Mike won’t survive.
Guys, I have life advice: Don’t be a criminal and you don’t have to go to prison.
Oh good, Ronnie and Pauly are workout buddies now too. I guess that makes sense since they both live in Vegas. They talk about how different Mike is, as he’s been sober for two years.
Hang on. Wasn’t he sober on the last season of Jersey Shore six years ago? I distinctly remember him screaming at his gf-of-five-minutes, Paula, for asking him to hold her drink at a bar, because it was too triggering. Damn, I guess it was, because he relapsed.
Pauly: Why isn’t Sammi coming with us?
Ronnie: I don’t know, I’m so confused about it.
Really, Ronnie? No idea at all?
Hahaha apparently Sammi’s new boyfriend looks like Ronnie.
Oh shit, Ronnie just spilled the tea on their breakup. After Jersey Shore ended, they moved in together, Sammi wanted to get married within six months, so Ronnie fucked someone else. That’s really fucked up, even for you Rahn.
On that note, Ronnie told Pauly he’s going to be a dad “just like Pauly.”
What the fuck? Apparently Pauly has a daughter? Why are they all reproducing so quickly? Also, isn’t that a bit fucked up that Pauly failed to mention his kid at all in his recap of his life since the show? That’s a pretty big thing to FORGET TO MENTION.
Mike apparently isn’t sure if he’s coming to Miami, because he might be sentenced and in prison instead. Buzzkill.
Why does Jenni dress frumpy af now? She dressed like a literal stripper every fucking day, and now she’s in a huge jacket with glasses.
Okay, what the fuck, they are staying in an insane mansion in Miami with a huge pool. I guess the show budget increased since 2012?
Snooki: I can’t wait to pee in it!
This is why we can’t have nice things.
They have a beautiful view of the brownish-green ocean in Miami. Mosquitos aren’t visible, but you can be sure they are there.
Snooki to Ronnie: Did you get highlights?
Ronnie: Did you get a new face?
Oh good, I’m glad someone said it.
Pauly: The girls got some WORK DONE. Botox, lip injections, they’re getting it.
Pauly seriously says this while most of his face does not move.
Ronnie talks shit about Sam, saying, “Do you really want to deal with that bullshit?” K, he’s the bullshit, but whatever. Pauly confirms he’s the only single one. Ron starts planning his cheating: “I can look, I just won’t touch.” His baby mama must feel so lucky. Also, I fucking doubt it Raaaahn.
They cut to a shot of Mike entering the court for his plea deal. They all act super worried then are like, “oh well, let’s checkout the amazing house.”
Pauly drags in a trash bag with a body in it. Holy shit, it’s a fucking Sammi Sweetheart doll. It says quotes by Sammi. This is creepy as fuck. Oh good, Ron wants to know if it’s cheating if he fucks the Sammi doll. Oh, poor baby mama. Pauly is carrying around the Sammi doll to every room in the house. It’s kind of hilarious, but also kind of like the intro to a Criminal Minds episode.
Mike calls on the duck phone. He pleaded guilty. Smart move, considering it’s obvious he did it (I think, legally, I can stop saying allegedly now?). The judge okays him coming to Miami. What kind of court is this?
A court for ants?
They’re getting ready to go out and Jenni, Queen of Frump, comes out wearing straight-up old lady glasses. Personally, I secretly love them. However, this is not stripper attire and I expect more from JWoww.
Snooki practically beheads the Sammi doll while trying to put her on the couch and the doll is screaming, “Raaaahn, stop!” the entire time. This scene will play on loop in all my nightmares from now until the day I die.
They all head out to the clubs.
Ronnie: I no longer GTL, I GTB – gym, tan, baby.
That sounds boring af, and also, you don’t ever do your laundry, what sense does that make?
They all are taking shots and fist pumping and I just cannot get used to Snooki’s lips. She looks like a muppet.
Vinny has a whole dance skit where he pretends the beat is locked behind a door. And then he pretend unlocks the door. And then he beats the beat up. Vin also mentioned that he does a keto diet now, so he eats no carbs. Guys, carbs are essential for brain function, and this is a clear example. Vinny, eat the fucking bread and stop being a lunatic.
Ronnie is having no fun and is bitching about Sam in the corner to Deena, so nothing has changed there. Ronnie has three modes: 1) complaining about Sam. 2) fighting with Sam. 3) fucking strangers.
Since we can’t do 2) this season, it’s only a matter of time before 3) begins.
Vinny has a girlfriend, so he’s holding hands with the chick grinding on Pauly. They both ignore the chick’s awkward friend. I don’t think Vin knows how wingmen work.
Snooki has fallen into the street; nothing has changed there either.
The power is out when they get to the house. I’m sorry, did the producers seriously turn off the electricity just to stir up drama? I trust no one, so I’m gonna say YES THEY DID.
Oh Jesus, save us all, Snooki is pulling her clothes off to go pee in the pool. Snooks. The toilet still works when the lights are out. I’m sure there are probably seven bathrooms in the mansion. Oh wait, she only took of her top, got into the pool in the rest of clothes, pants included, and then peed. To borrow from Leslie Knope, I am having so many emotions and questions that I’m literally paralyzed rn.
They order pizza and Vinny is sitting in the corner sadly peeling cheese off the pizza. Guys, eat carbs. This is horrible to watch.
Deena and Ron are now fighting about Sam and that Ronnie didn’t reach out about Deena’s dad.
Ronnie: I didn’t come to you because you and Sam were up each other’s asses.
Somehow, I don’t feel like that defense will work. Deena is already crying. Ronnie apologizes. Drama over. Jersey Shore, you’re not what you used to be.
Holy shit, this episode is two hours long? It’s going to be a long night, fam.
Oh fucking gross, it’s the next morning, and Snooki is still wearing her leather pants that she went into the pool in AND PEED IN. They have pizza all over the place and ants everywhere. This is why I hate Florida: I hate bugs. And humidity. And guns. And bath salts. And old people. And Republicans.
They’re at brunch, and Snooki talks about her newly purchased boobs.
Snooki: Best decision I ever made. After I had kids, they looked like ballsacks.
This show should be required viewing in abstinence classes worldwide. The miracle of birth: Family Vacation premiere edition.
Then, she starts crying over an Imagine Dragons song because she misses her kids. That makes Jenni cry. We literally just watched this and then they did a recap flashback of it. Like, it just happened. The two-second commercial did not make me forget. The Family Vacation premiere really does not think much of our memories
which is fair because we’ve been chugging wine. Vin doesn’t understand why everyone is crying about their children. I’m with you Vin, this is boring af.
Mike arrives in Miami. They’re at some trashy bar and Ronnie declares it is his “dad-chelor” party. A bunch of strippers molest him. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.
Vinny to Mike: There are new faces in the house. Nicole’s face still has the price tag on it.
Snooki: Mike is in such a good place, I’m going to give him coke. Not, like, coke like drugs.
Well that’s disappointing. What??? The power at the house is magically back on. Killer plot point, producers.
Mike is bragging about how perfect he is now.
Deena: It’s like you’re Jesus.
If only this episode had come out before Easter so I would have known who really performed all those miracles. Ah well, next year I guess.
Snooki: I wish I could be like Mike. I’m such a mean whore, I hate everyone.
Actually, I get that on a personal level. They all go out to dinner to celebrate Mike. Also, does anyone notice that Snooki talks differently? Is it because of her lips? Is that a thing?
Ron: Mike, you sucked super hard and I hated you, Now you’re okay, I guess.
Truly inspiring. Thank you, Family Vacation premiere, for the important work that you’re doing.
They go back to the house and drink more (also the title of my autobiography).
Snooki: We chug wine now instead of vodka. We’re classier meatballs.
Ronnie is cuddling up to the scary Sammi doll. All of this is wrong. Oh my god, the doll is still yelling “Rahn stop.” Snooks and Deena throw the doll into the pool. First of all, how expensive was this doll? The doll is still talking. It’s possessed by the devil.
Ronnie probably immediately after the cameras stopped rolling:
Snooki begins flirting with/striking Vinny with her little meatball hands and then she notices that all her rings are missing. She has a complete fucking meltdown.
Ronnie: It was almost like we were looking for El Chapo.
Snooks is absolutely hysterical because she lost her wedding ring, but it’s hard to tell because her face still is not moving. Now she wants to go home. We’re left on that cliffhanger. I mean, honestly, she’d make more from this show than that ring is for sure worth, and I promise you she has it insured, so I’m kinda not really getting the ~drama~ here. Also, Jionni like, what, owned ATMs or something? She is completely supporting him, so she probably bought her own ring.
Will Snooki find her ring and stay either way because this is her entire career? Will Deena and JWoww cry over something similar? Will Ronnie fuck the Sammi doll? Find out next week on Jersey Shore: Family Vacation.
Images: Giphy (11); youtraumatizedmeronnie.com (1); MTV (2)