have too much time on my hands spend a lot of time on the internet, I read a lot about celebrities who really have no business being celebrities, aka professional thirst traps. No, I’m not talking about that girl on Instagram with 220K followers whose bikini pics your boyfriend comments on when he thinks you’re asleep—I’m talking about actual celebrities who get written up in Cosmo everyday despite like, not really doing anything that I’m aware of. I’ll just stop with the lofty introductions and cut right to the chase and tell you that the person I’m referring to is Bella Thorne. I see her outfits and general goings-on getting media coverage all the time but like, as far as I can tell from her Instagram all she does is like, exist wear trashy yet expensive-looking clothes and have a septum piercing. And if that’s somehow a full-time job now, please DM me.
But it got me thinking that she reminds me a lot of a certain *other* one of my favorite professional thirst traps, Ariel Winter. Who we all know is the poor man’s Kylie Jenner. So is Bella Thorne basically the welfare version of Kylie Jenner? IDK. That’s not what I’m saying, really. I’m confused. What I am saying is that Bella Thorne seems to have taken a liking to Ariel Winter’s style—like, a lot. Now, can two women have their own distinct style and exist in vaguely the same spheres without being compared to each other? Sure, but that’s no fun. So the question remains: Is Bella Thorne the second coming of Ariel Winter? Let’s
stalk their Instagrams investigate.
Exhibit A: The White Ass-Less Pants
I mean, I don’t even have to comment on the sheer uselessness of this item of clothing (but I will anyway—if you’re gonna wear pants that are cut off right at your booty line, why not just wear shorts??). But I mean, TELL ME this isn’t the same person. Same nonsensical pants. Same white bra. Same looking-backward-over-the-shoulder-with-“fuck-me-eyes” pose. It’s uncanny. And disturbing.
Exhibit B: The Red Carpet Look
I know what you’re thinking, and no, I didn’t back-stalk Bella Thorne into 2008 to pull up that mermaid dress. IT IS FROM AUGUST 12TH. OF THIS YEAR. I’m calling the Special Victims Unit, because this fashion-based offense is especially heinous. And again, here we go with the side part, the waves, the tight, shiny dresses, the over-the-shoulder-with-“fuck-me-eyes” pose? Do these girls have the same stylist? What is going on here? Have I stumbled into an alternate universe?
Exhibit C: Whatever The Fuck This Is
Girls, are you okay? Do you need money? Y’all know a pack of Hanes wife beaters only costs like, $6 right? You really do not need to be cutting them in half so you can use the extra fabric to make another shirt. I can only assume that’s what’s going on here. Also, as someone who wore wife beaters three days a week in middle school, I can tell you from firsthand experience that they are slutty enough as-is. They stretch a lot, they are very tight by nature, and when they do stretch they become very see-through. It’s the reason my mother didn’t let me out of the house until high school. You do NOT need to make these shirts any sluttier by turning them into what looks like a makeshift sports bra. I’m all for dressing like a slut, but this is simply unnecessary, and not to mention, a waste of a perfectly good Hanes undershirt. What would your drunk uncle say when he found out this was the reason you raided his pajama drawer?
Exhibit D: The Red Hair
This one’s the most obvious but you know what they say, I save the
most low-hanging fruit best for last. (Check out that identical side braid tho.) Ariel and Bella are both rocking eerily similar shades of daddy issue fiery red hair. *Googles “Bella Thorne dad”* Shit, I’m a terrible person for this, aren’t I? Hmmm…terrible, or incredibly astute, bordering on psychic? You decide.
Yes, these girls are basically the same person as far as I’m concerned. However—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—Ariel Winter plays Alex on Modern Family which is one of my
dad’s favorite shows, white Bella is on some show called Famous In Love that I think shows up on my Hulu suggestions sometimes? IDK. Bottom line is both are equally annoying on social media, but Ariel winter’s existence benefits my life in some way while Bella’s does not. Ariel wins this round, and she takes home the coveted prize of being only one rip-off degree of separation from Kylie Jenner. So she can go ahead and hang that up right next to her multiple Emmy awards.