“The invention of Instagram. For those of you who aren't familiar, it's about to be the next big thing, so you better get on the Instagram train and fast.” – we said this, #68 The iPhone Switch, July 25th, 2011
As many of you may not remember, we got Instagram way before anyone else. Don't get us wrong, it was a total fluke, simply because we thought it was a speedy drug delivery app. Instant grams…could you blame us? Imagine our confusion when the app didn't even ask for our zip code, instead prompted us to take a picture!
What's this we see, a chic and pretentious new way to mupload? That'll do iPhone, that'll do.
Some of you may be losing sleep over the fact that you #141 hate hipsters yet you love Instagram. We're here to put your mind at ease, a virtual Xanax if you will. Instagram is a great middleground where hipsters and betches can unite in their appreciation of like, postmodern photography. We both like to 1) pretend to be artsy and 2) use expensive cell phones.
In addition to iced coffee and bitching at people, everyone knows that betches love exclusivity. What's more elitist than an app that's only available on the only phone that matters. A phone that bans Insta is a phone that bans life.
So what makes Instagram different? The appeal is all in the effects. They assist us in understanding what life would be like in The Wackness or the We Found Love video, but with less violence and black people.
Think of Instagram like putting sunglasses on your muploads. It makes them automatically cooler and provides protection against the haters. For example, you just got a new pair of Loubs. Tweeting about it is social suicide and an ordinary mupload defines you as the TTH. But with Insta, even though you might work at JP Morgan, who's to say you're not building a portfolio for your upcoming Vogue interview? Wow you slapped on that sepia in such a thoughtful way, it really illuminates the garbage truck in the background!
You see, with Instagram, everyone's an artiste, but not one who bothers with complexities like aperture or shutterspeed. Instead you'll say things like: Commendable efforts on the Amaro betch, but when MY picture has a bluish hues, Walden is best for accentuating contrast. Sure you have no clue what you just said but on the bright side, the drop effect is perfect for obscuring the Dud.
Suddenly, your besties who you thought never ate, are all foodies. Why? Because if you mupload food onto Facebook, people will assume you're going to eat it, whereas on Insta, you're simply showcasing your appreciation for plating technique. How did you get your tuna tartare to look so lively? Ugh I should've used Nashville.
Now that we think about it, this app is really an emo person's dream. Before Instagram they had to shed their upper class tears to the sad tunes of Taking Back Sunday, but now they just snap a pic and the whole world will be aware of their existential crises. Don't you think Valencia is a little too hopeful? Perhaps next time use Inkwell for a more 'I'm going to kill myself' feel.
So betches, next time you encounter a really beautiful tulip or an especially long blade of grass, carpe diem. Fuck Kodak, it's called an Insta moment.
Follow us on Insta @betches.