How Do I Deal With My Incurable STD? Dear Betch…

Dear Betches,

This is a rather upsetting dilemma that has recently taken place in my life, and I definitely need a fellow betch to talk me through this. I found out a couple of months ago that I have a STD, and it has sent me into a slight depression as I honestly don’t know how to handle this. I can count the number of bros I’ve slept with on one hand, and I’m by no means a slut, so the fact that this happened to me is really, really unfortunate. I’m not sure how to continue living my betchy life when this is in the back of my mind–how am I ever going to date anyone? How am I ever going to find a future Pro husband? I’ve only told my two besties and they’ve been supportive, but I just want to sink into a fucking hole and die there.

I guess my question is how to not let this get in the way of living my betchy life. There are treatment options available for my particular case, but this is never guaranteed to leave my body. This really sucks and any advice you are willing to give me on this situation would be much appreciated.


Upset Betch

Dear Upset Betch,

Now you didn't give any specifics, but given my high school sex ed knowledge, the fact that your depression isn't over an impending early death, and the fact that you mention that your STD isn't guaranteed to leave your body, I'm assuming you have herpes because well, that's the only STI (that's the PC term, sounds just as slutty) I can think of that fits that description. Now disgusting as this shit is, there are treatments that drastically minimize the effects of it and it's not actually the end of the world although it should be the end of your former slutty life. Also, assuming you're relatively young, who knows what kind of advanced medicinal shit will come out by the time you're older that cures the infection.

For now, in addition to serving as a warning to all betches out there not to fuck random guys without a condom EVER, your STI has the added benefit of making sure that you #8 don't have sex with bros unless you're truly intimate and monogamous with them. Only at that point will a bro not be grossed out by the fact that you're infected because he sees you as a person rather than just a fuck and should therefore respect you enough that he's willing to look past that.

At least it's not AIDS,

The Betches


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