258. Being Inconsistent With Your Eating

How is it possible that betches love going on cleanses as much as we love late night pizza? I mean, we could just blame it on the alcohol, but in reality it’s because we can’t be expected to be consistent with our eating habits. The way we treat food is much like the way we date. In theory we like food, but sometimes we wish we could just live without it.  Much like dating, we’ll probably try to date the nice guy for a while, because he’s “stable” (aka boring) and into us, but we can’t help it if we fall for a bartender or skateboarder every once in a while.

Unless you’re a nutritionist or have to watch your diet for a living, you have more things to worry about than how many calories you took in per meal. You eat like shit sometimes because you can. That’s the simple answer. If you woke up from eating a whole box of pizza and never fit into your jeans again, you’d stop doing that (probably, but we can’t be sure). But you don’t have to worry about it because much like how you can drink more than your weight in Moscow Mules, you have a magic ability to eat cheese drunk and still have a thigh gap.

But at the same time, you love cleanses because who doesn’t? And ordering a healthy quinoa salad instead of a lobster roll is totally sensible (sometimes). Sometimes you want to be healthy, like after the gym or when you’re on a date, or when you’re already on your second lunch. And sometimes you want to eat funnel cake.

Kate Moss said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” which really just means, “please don’t eat my wings it’s not for you.” Being skinny is great, and eating whatever TF you want is also great. Luckily you don’t have to choose, because you can have both. The only reason you eat healthy at all is because you actually like it, and because if you didn’t, people would think you weren’t even trying which is just not fair. 

Like most housewives in Southern California, we can’t resist trying out a new diet when it’s trendy. We’re all about expensive cleanses that make you feel like you’re sixteen again. But the best part about being sixteen was being able to eat like shit. So once that cleanse is done, you’re entitled to eat whatever you want, even if it’s inconsistent.



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