I just got out of a long distance relationship. We had been dating for over a year and things got messy, complicated, and dramatic towards the end (He’s kind of a dick). I’ve ended all communication with him because TBH he was bringing me way down and I’m a generally v happy person. I want to move on and got a Tinder and even texted some old hookups to see if that was maybe still a thing. My question is: What advice do you have for me when it comes to moving on? Awful side note: I live with his freaking sister so bringing home guys every night is sorta out of the question. Follow up answer: Yes, living with his sister kinda sucks but were friends so whatevs. OK THANK YOU!
Dear Need-To-Move-TF-Out (see what I did there?),
I don’t know, maybe I’m petty AF, but if I were living with my asshole ex’s sister I’d make sure to bring multiple guys home every night. Other than “have as many gang-bangs as possible right in front of your ex’s sister,” my advice is to make arrangements to move the fuck out of that apartment. Unless your ex and his sister hate each other, there has got to be some awkwardness between you two, at the very LEAST. There’s approximately 0 chance in hell your living arrangement is going to work out for either of you in the long run. Like, I’m not psychic but I just don’t see that happening.
So there’s this guy I’ve been housebreaking, I mean dating for FOUR years—since my senior year in college #glorydays. I recently moved to the City for him, landed a pretty sweet new job, and seemingly have it all (my therapist says I’m on my goddess perch, god I love that betch.) Here’s the catch: since I’ve gotten to the City, I’ve literally wanted nothing to do with my boyfriend. There’s not really a catch—except the part where I’m a psycho and cheated on him in Dallas with my college crush (you know the one you’re never supposed to actually get with?) and I got butterflies back in my stomach for the first time in years. So the dilemma: do I just absolutely blindside my boyfriend and dump him out of the blue or do I ice queen the shit out of him with my avoidance tactics? Either way, I know I’m on the highway to hell.
Yes, this is actually a true dilemma—and I genuinely could use some advice. Let me know if you need any filler details, I tried to keep this to the point. You don’t even have to post this to your blog because I’m struggling to come up with a witty pen name (do people actually do that? because I think emails these days kinda ruins the anonymity…)
P.S. Also how many of these emails start with “so there’s this guy…”? #basic
Publishing it—too good not to. Sorry not sorry.
Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? This isn’t some rando you went on one tinder date with—this is your boyfriend of four years, who you relocated to be with. You can’t ice him out. Are you fucking insane? Dump him. In person. Then, for this poor dude’s sake, GTFO of his life for good. For the record, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to end a relationship—nothing!—but the fact that you are even CONSIDERING pulling an Irish exit makes me think you are stone-fucking-cold. Hold up—Annalise, is that you?
And to answer your other miscellaneous questions: people come up with lame pen names 98% of the time, which incidentally is the same percentage of emails I get that start with “So there’s this guy.”
I’ll See You In Hell,