Hurricane Matthew, I’m sick of your shit.
Not only did you wreak havock on countries in the Caribbean, you’re all up on the Southeast coast of the U.S., showing up like the face of Harambe’s ghost. You could at least be attractive while you destroy lives and homes instead of showing up like this gorilla-faced motherfucker. How dare you.
You’ve already led to the deaths of hundreds in Haiti. Really? You had to go after Haiti. Haven’t they had enough tragedy without dealing with your bullshit? Leave Haiti alone!
You also led to the death of one American woman after she had a heart attack and your insane 120+ mph winds wouldn’t allow EMS teams to get through. You are kind of a dick.
Sure, you’re a category 3 hurricane, but I’m really over your drama. You know people are idiots and won’t listen when they’re strongly advised to evacuate. Even President Obama was like, “Listen, assholes, if your local officials say you should leave, you should probably fucking leave.” Matthew, you totally take advantage of these strong-willed dumb dumbs. I feel like that’s not really fair. It’s not their fault they’re so stupid.
Like, when a betch takes advantage of people stupider than her (read: most people), she at least does it for a good cause, like to get her portion of the group assignment done. When you do it, it’s to injure and possibly kill people and destroy their homes in the process, which is just like, not cool bro.
I’ve been watching the Instagram stories from the cast of Southern Charm for personal updates from Charleston, which got me thinking. If you destroy Charleston, are we going to lose Southern Charm? You do not want to fuck with me that way. I love those rich Southern bastards and you’d better not hurt them or their state or their beautiful city or my crappy reality TV programming.
In all seriousness. We hope everyone stays safe while Matthew continues his dickish run.
As for you Matthew, you can go shave your back now. There aren’t enough middle finger emojis to express how I feel about you.