As you may have discerned from the changing weather and calendar date, its motherfucking fall, betches. Which basically means that now more than ever, it's time to accessorize. Scarfs? Fuck yes. Gloves? How classy of you. Boots? Duh. Hats? Um…
While a hat can be super chic and a necessary accessory for the colder months, there's a fine line between flattering your face shape with one and looking absolutely fucking ridiculous. Yeah, let me repeat that one more time: There's a fine line between looking cute and being the antithesis of cute: aka a fucking hipster. Excuse me while I go vomit and listen to the top 40 on my brand new iPhone in an effort to cleanse my soul.
As I considered writing this investigative journalistic piece, I thought about interviewing actual hipsters in their natural environments (rando coffee shops, record stores, their moms' basements) so I could question how they wear their hats and tell you to just do the literal opposite. But then I remembered how absolutely fucking awful that sounded. So here are some tips I've come up with instead.
On choosing the right hat:
1. Try on everything. The wide brimmed camel hat that looks absolutely hideous on that mannequin might look better on you. You never fucking know.
2. Bring an honest friend. Choose the girl and/or gay of your friend group whose least jealous of you because they will give you the most truthful answers. (Note: never trust ANYONE who tells you a straw fedora is chill.)
3. Use chic celebrities for inspo. Print out pics of Blake Lively, Siena Miller, and even Cara Delevingne if you are feeling daring/extra confident. Approach the store clerk with said photos and demand that you'll have what they're having, Harry met Sally style.
4. Ask your grandpa/any old person in the store if they like it: If the answer is “yes” or even “maybe”, GTFO of that store.
When actually wearing the hat:
1. Don't pair it with a flannel. Flannels are only OK in moderation and by themselves. You already wanted to wear a stupid hat, so don't push your luck.
2. Don't wear it everyday. (Obviously. This rule applies to everything.)
3. Don't say annoying things. If you don't want to look like a hipster, don't act like one. Hella simple, actually.
That's it, betches. Now go wear your goddamn bowler hat and STFU.