So you’ve fucked up royally. Don’t worry, if OJ and Martha Stewart taught us anything, it’s that even if you’re totally wrong, everyone will still get back on the boat if you have the best boat in the ocean, or kitchen or football field or whatever.
It sucks to fuck up and realize that the responsibility is all on you. Obvs plenty of people make mistakes, but it’s especially hard because you’re so perfect and even when you’re not, there’s usually someone else to blame. But once in a while you make a big enough mistake that you can’t blame anyone else. Maybe you totally forgot about a project at work that was assigned to you and nobody else, or maybe you straight up gave away all your BFF’s secrets, but whatever you did, you did it and nobody else. Like all smart people, you live by the “better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission” rule, except betches don’t beg, we move the fuck on.
So how do you do that when your friends/boss/boyfriend won’t talk to you? First of all, if therapy has taught us anything, it’s that when there’s nobody else to blame, it’s totally your parents’ fault. I mean, they literally brought you into the world, so any flaws you have are their responsibility. Like, your genes are pretty good, but maybe they didn’t pass along the honesty gene, and that’s not really your fault. Once you’ve justified this in your head, you’ll be confident again that you’re perfect and on your way to recovering your image.
Obvs the people you wronged won’t want to hear about how your parents messed you up, so don’t stay on this topic too long. Instead, focus on not fucking up again and Justin Bieber-style going all in for the recovery. Do you think it’s a coincidence that on the Biebs album there’s a song about saying sorry AND a song telling someone to go “love” themselves? He is sending a clear message that he is sorry for fucking up but also that everyone else also fucked up so basically he’s still a saint. The key to apologizing is to let people know that you might be in a low place, but it’s the low people around you that brought you to that place.
No mistake is ever big enough that a betch can’t recover from it. Just remember that at one point in time, we all wore flare jeans like they were the coolest thing ever, and we’ve all recovered from it. Also if Beth is still pissed at you for [insert terrible thing you did that you will never do again here], just remind her that everyone in the 80’s was racist and homophobic and we’re all doing so much better already. This is a good example because while we are doing a lot better, we’re still not perfect, so this means that you’re not guaranteeing you’re never going to fuck up again, just that you are aware your level of “fucking up” is Friends making gay jokes bad and that you’re working towards at least getting to a #OscarsSoWhite level of progress.
The other key to recovering is to be patient. People love feeling like they’re a better person by forgiving you like it was their idea, so once you apologize, move on. Whoever is pissed at you will soon miss your presence (because duh) and your one-time apology will set in and be enough for them to decide to forgive you like they are the good witch from The Wizard of Oz granting you amnesty. In the meantime, just remember that everybody else is human, and nothing makes humans feel better secretly than knowing that someone else out there messed up bigger than them. Because people want to know they’d be forgiven if they fuck up too, they will eventually forgive you and you can recover like nothing happened.
The only exception to this rule is if you’re a Cosby or Terry Richardson. Like seriously, stop being the scum of the earth and get consent.