How To Make Fake Shrimp Scampi

Butter and pasta are the devil, according to pretty much any health-conscious and super skinny betch you ask. I take issue with this, since blah blah everything in moderation and the fact that butter is like, really good – even if you can only have it like once a month, tops.

This presents an issue for those of us craving a dish like shrimp scampi, whose two main ingredients are pretty much butter and pasta. Don’t worry: we fixed it for you.


  • 1 lb peeled and deveined uncooked shrimp, thawed if frozen (you can find this frozen at most grocery stores or just ask the fish man at the counter to do it for you)
  • 1 tbsp salted butter
  • 5 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 shallot, minced
  • Salt and pepper, about 1 tsp each
  • 1 tsp hot red pepper flakes (omit if you’re a big giant pussy)
  • 3 tbsp chicken stock
  • ¼ cup white wine (use something like Pinot Grigio)
  • 2 tbsp lemon juice
  • 1 tbsp lemon zest
  • Fresh parsley

If you want/need pasta, go ahead and make that shit then think about what you’ve done. Set aside.

In a large sauté pan over medium high heat, melt the butter. Add the shallot and garlic and sauté until fragrant – don’t burn the fucking garlic and if you do, throw that shit out. Add the shrimp, salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes. Cook the whole thing for like 4-5 minutes or until both sides of the shrimp are opaque (this means a solid color) and pink.

Add in the chicken stock, wine, lemon juice, and lemon zest, and then stir everything to combine. Cook for another 2 minutes or so until the mixture isn’t so liquidy. It’s a word.

Remove from heat and top with some fresh parsley and if you fucking need to carbo-load, go ahead and serve over pasta. Otherwise you can eat these skrimps as is without ruining your bikini body.


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