Remember when summer use to mean three long months of doing nothing but sitting on your ass and slowly turning an ambiguous shade of brown, all while cooling off blacking out poolside? Ah, memories. Now, summer is the season I feel most personally victimized by. First, it comes out of fucking nowhere every single year and my body is about as ready for the beach scene as the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s. Second, it’s hot af outside at all times and you’re still expected to show up to work in “office appropriate” attire, which Carol in HR seems to think excludes crop tops. You’re on my list, Carol. You’re on my list. But perhaps the worst part about adult summers is that instead of spending 5 days a week poolside working on your tan, you spend 5 days a week sitting in a windowless cell your office working on your vitamin D deficiency. I’m not crying, you’re crying.
But in the words of Chanel Oberlin, over my rich, hot, dead body will I allow a little thing like a career to impact my summer tan. Nope, not gonna happen. So here’s how to fake a tan when you’re forced to sit inside all day. Trust me, you and your Instagram followers will thank me later.
Visualize Your Best Tan Self
The first step is to visualize yourself tan. You must believe it to achieve it and blah, blah, blah. My mother taught me this little trick in high school for, like, the SATs and shit but it’s really come in handy when I’m trying to take that last shot at the bar without vomming. And you know, that nifty trick works 70 percent of the time. Blessings. So instead of picturing all the ways in which you could burn your office to the ground, instead focus on an image of you at the beach, mimosa in hand. Happy thoughts might not actually manifest into bronze skin but it will keep your rage blackouts in check. Woosah.
It’s All About The Glow
During these trying times, self tanner will become your best friend. We suggest you put the Banana Boat down and try St. Tropez’s Bronzing Mousse because that shit is the real fucking deal. Not only is it repped by the Kardashians–a coveted endorsement–but it’s also v easy to use and will give you long lasting results. Plus the dark bronzing mousse is designed you give you a deep, dark tan based on your own skin tone. Let me be clear here, that self tanner is a very sad substitute for actual time spent outdoors but it will work in a pinch when your boss starts to question your use of sick days.
Invest In A Spray Tan
If you’re more of a go big or GTF off Instagram type of person, then you might want to invest in a spray tan. This alternative is best for people who like to take the easy way out of most things (Hi) and don’t want to fuck around with self-tanners. A good spray tan typically costs between $30 – $50 and lasts up to 7 days depending on how dark you go. We recommend you ask for a lighter shade though, lest you show up to happy hour looking like an oompa loompa, begging to be ridiculed in my group chat later.
^^Don’t let this be you
Wear The Right Colors
This feels a little blasphemous to say, but you might want to leave your black-like-your-soul wardrobe at home–at least until October. Warmer colors tend to bring out the warmer tones in your skin and can accentuate what little color you do have. Corals and pinks are great for making your skin look rosy and fresh, while white gives off a more bronzed goddess vibe. If you have a more cooler skin tone, stick to crisp whites, while those with more golden undertones should go for off-white clothing. Brb just gonna use this as an excuse to go treat myself into credit card debt.
When In Doubt Bronze It Out
And finally, when in doubt just go to fucking town with your bronzer. Similar to self tanner, bronzer will 100 percent save your life and your summer selfie game by covering the face you were born with and replacing it with bronzed perfection. That being said, you should only use bronzer to contour your face. DO NOT spread it liberally. You aren’t fucking Picasso, stay in your lane.