How To Get Through Graduation Without Killing Your Family

College graduation season is upon us, and while it’s a time to celebrate your accomplishments, it’s also a time for your family to be literally the worst. If you’re dreading your entire clan descending on your perfect life, here are some basic survival tips that you should feel free to use at any time.

This Weekend Is About You

None of these bitches would be here if you hadn’t suffered through eight semesters of classes. When a family member is getting unruly, remind them why they’re here. Aunt Ruth didn’t just come to Miami on vacation, she’s here to see you walk across that damn stage in inappropriately high heels. Don’t let her forget.

Find A Neutral Location

Hanging out with your family in the evening is chill, but you don’t want your entire family crowding into your apartment and asking too many questions. This never ends well. Try going to their hotel lobby, or literally anywhere where your grandparents aren’t in danger of finding your weed.

Plan For Alcohol

If you’re looking for something in common with your relatives, remember that you all love to drink! Plan stops to day drink with your family, because this will keep everyone much happier. It’s much more difficult for your uncle to complain about the traffic this morning when he has a giant margarita in his hand.

Pretend You’re Packing

If you’re moving home/anywhere else in the next few weeks, there’s a 100% chance that your mother thinks you’re behind on packing. If you get sick of family activities, just ask someone what time it is and say you really need to pack. Say that you like packing alone so your mom doesn’t see you totally taking a nap instead.

Smile And Bullshit

Approximately three million people will ask you about what you’re doing next year, and you have to come up with a good answer. If you already have a job, you’re all set. If not, come up with something general but exciting about “going into writing,” or “exploring your options.” Or just lie and say you’re still thinking about grad school.

Remember The Gifts

When things get really tough, just remember that you’re going to get presents at the end of this. Think of the gifts as equally for making it through college and making it through this weekend. Your family will be a distant memory as you drive off in your new car that you begged your parents for.


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