How to Get Away with Murder Recap: Drunk Law Students, They’re Just Like Us

Ya girl is back after a week-long hiatus to mock the actions and motives of a group of generally corrupt people who are one wrong move away from a lifetime in prison. To be fair, this could probably describe any Shonda Rhimes show at one time or another, but we’re going to stick with How to Get Away with Murder because politics bore me and I’m sick of crying over dramatic medical procedures.*

*Author’s note post episode: honestly what the fuck, Shonda.

Leaving off right where last week’s episode ended, Phillip pops out from under the couch in Wes’ apartment boogeyman-style to try and take Annalise out. This in itself is hilarious to me because Phillip is an incestuous albino with arms made of limp spaghetti and Annalise Keating is a one-woman hurricane who fought her way out of the projects to become the most feared defense attorney in Philadelphia. But sure Phillip, you got this.

After taking all of ten seconds to fight him off, Annalise sprints out the door and heads directly for the police department where Eve and Wes, her two favorite significant others, meet her.

After spending a night answering questions while Wes presumably glares on from the corner, Annalise and her sulky puppy head back to the office where everyone is awaiting their demise. Instead of answering any of the valid concerns about their wellbeing, both Wes and Annalise stalk off to pout.

Upstairs Eve, while tending to Annalise’s non-existent wounds, asks the question that I’ve been screaming at my TV for three weeks now.

Eve: Why’d you give Wes the file if you weren’t going to tell him the truth?
Annalise: So my method for revealing the fact that I am the sole reason this kid is an orphan is slightly flawed. SUE ME.

Caleb is missing and Michaela is distraught as I, too, would be if my hot ass billionaire boyfriend were suddenly missing while his murderous cousin was out on a rampage. She believes that Annalise is 100% to blame for this, which I think is just the automatic setting all of the law students are operating at these days.

Luckily, no one has time to sit around and dwell over the serial killer who is stalking them because ADA Denver has called everyone seen on the Hapstall tapes in for questioning. This is the same district attorney who struck up the immunity deal with Annalise and therefore is very aware that everyone in this group is absolutely guilty of something.

This means that Wes, Laurel, Michaela and Connor, the OG murder crew, have to roll over to the courthouse with Bonnie as their representative and play the role of respectful and unassuming law students who just happened to be in an unfortunate circumstance. PSYCH. These four fuckups show about as much deference to their questioning as Justin Beiber did in his deposition tapes.

Honestly, the gall with which these children speak to a fucking district attorney BLOWS MY MIND.

“Good luck screwing me because you’re not my type.” Connor, this man is an OFFICER OF THE LAW.

Upon their triumphant and unapologetic return from the DA’s office, Asher decides to apologize to the group as one could reason that this entire situation was his fault. Bonnie, who found out about the truth behind Lila’s death last week, is not here for Asher’s pity party.

Bonnie: Well in my opinion whoever killed Lila is the sole reason we’re in this mess.
Frank: how about you just @ me next time?

Frank low-key threatens Bonnie and tells her that as long as she keeps her sad mouth shut, they won’t have any concerns. They both fail to address that Bonnie found out this juicy nugget of info from the handy recorder that she just keeps hidden in the basement in case people cop to murder during a fight with their girlfriend.

Annalise, who lost her last fuck around the time she found out her husband got a sorority girl pregnant, decides to get rip-roaring drunk in her office/home/safe house while everyone lounges in her living room and talks shit.

LOL at Annalise having Frank smuggle her vodka past the watchful eagle eyes of Officer Bon Bon. Not LOL at Annalise’s continued insistence on drinking straight room temp vodka.

Asher takes a moment to rehash that even thought they’re all terrible people with multiple murders under the belt, he’s glad for all their friendship. Again, Bonnie is not having any attempts at group bonding during this lockdown.

“We’re all bad people, that’s the only thing we have in common.”
—Bonnie or me to my friends during every Friday’s pregame, who’s to say.

Annalise’s attempts at blacking out before it gets dark are momentarily thwarted by another summons: it’s Asher’s turn to talk to the DA. Unfortunately for everyone, he’s not as good under pressure as the crew of seasoned murderers. Denver knows that Asher was seen in the courthouse garage on both the day his dad died and right around the last time Sinclair was seen alive. It doesn’t take a law degree to realize that these are suspicious circumstances.

Reunited back at Annalise’s, everyone has a light-hearted discussion about whether or not they should start telling their significant others about the pile of bodies that they’ve accumulated since starting law school. This conversation really only applies to Oliver, as Caleb is presumed dead and everyone else decided to just date each other.

Speaking of, light of my life Oliver arrives for the world’s worst sleepover just in time to catch some new drama. Laurel reveals that she and Frank broke up, which is mostly heartbreaking because Oliver had already couple-named them Flaurel. She uses this moment to test Oliver/show Connor how bad an idea it would be to tell him the truth by telling Oliver that she thinks Frank might have shot Annalise.

Oliver: * loses his shit *
Laurel: told you he couldn’t fucking hang

The sleepover ended like any other: a parent stumbles out their office in a drunken stupor and tells everyone to GTFO. In this case it’s Annalise, who demands that everyone leave her home and go get drunk seeing as how they’re all going to die anyways, and then demands a private audience with Wes in her office. Definitely won’t add to the rumor mill or anything.

Choosing now to be obedient for the first time in the duration of this show, the law students (minus Wes, plus Oliver) head out to drown their livers in whatever alcohol they can get their hands on. In the words of John Mulaney, they were drinking like it was the Civil War and a doctor was coming to saw their legs off. As to be expected, this leads to some interesting decisions.

Oliver admits that he quit his job and wants to start working for Annalise.

Oliver: Honestly, you and your friends have inspired me to live my life to the fullest.
Connor: That’s shocking because all we do is kill people.

Michaela, now belligerently drunk and still distraught over Caleb, pulls a classic sad drunk girl and drowns her sorrows in the most inappropriate person she can find. In this case it’s Asher, and the two proceed to engage in what the ABC announcer man called “the most shocking hookup in How to Get Away with Murder history.” The fact that they advertised it that way and then didn’t even come through with a Wes/Annalise tête-à-tête is an affront to my sensibilities, but I digress. Let’s be real, the most shocking part of this interaction was that the multi-stall bathroom had a lock.

As per usual, a flashback to the Mahoney case has been happening throughout this entire episode. I’m going to skip all the boring Annalise-Eve-Frank angst and get down to the point: On her way to inform the police department that Rose’s death was definitely a suicide, Annalise gets in a car accident and loses her baby. Obviously, as Annalise is without child in the present, we all knew something like this was coming. Nevertheless, I was not prepared.

Let me tell you, I did not sign up for these recaps so that I could sit on my couch at 11:00PM on a Thursday and aggressively cry by myself, yet here I am. Shonda, if you could keep the graphic C-sections and heart wrenching deaths to Grey’s Anatomy, I’d really appreciate it. It speaks volumes to the absolute sadness of the scene that you actually find yourself empathizing with Sam.

Do we suffer just one truth bomb in the episode leading up to the season finale? Not in this shitstorm of a show. Back in the present, Annalise tells Wes what happened with his mother, leaving out the part where she witnessed Rose plunge a knife into her own throat.

Wes, who has been lied to on a regular basis and is the archetype for trust issues, doesn’t believe her. He doesn’t see the logic in his mother killing herself to keep him safe, when she could have just testified and put it all behind them. Annalise takes a moment to chug the rest of her fifth before she divulges the rest of this nightmarish story.

It turns out that the reason Rose was so scared of the Mahoneys, other than the fact that they are rich white people and history tells us to not trust them, is that she was a victim of rape. Charles Mahoney had been repeatedly raping Rose for an indeterminate amount of time, and Wes was the result of it. Mahoney then tried to use that relationship to extort Rose into testifying to something that she hadn’t actually seen. It was at this moment that you could actually see that last bit of hope left in Wes’ eyes die. For the love of God, just let this child rest.

After reliving her miscarriage, admitting to essentially orphaning her student, and consuming an inhumane amount of vodka, you would think Annalise had earned the right to just lie in bed and sleep for a week or so. Well, you’re wrong. You are literally always wrong when it comes to this show. Never doubt that.

An incredibly drunk Laurel arrives at the office because she’s trying to get the D concerned about Wes. While leaning haphazardly in the doorway she proceeds to blame Annalise for all her failed relationships, talk about the guy she obviously has a crush on, and then spill a secret she was definitely supposed to keep to herself. Drunk law students, they’re just like us.

Laurel: I’m just looking out for Wes
Laurel: Because I’m his friend
Laurel: Just his friend
Laurel: Also fuck you for forcing Frank to kill Lila
Annalise: Fuck this I am OUT

Like the strongest amongst us, this last straw has Annalise running back to her the comfort of her mother’s house. Although, after seeing the way her mom treated her after Sam died, I’m not sure she’s in for much handholding.

Tune in next week for what will undoubtedly be another devastating season finale courtesy of our girl Shonda. You bring the wine, I’ll bring the skepticism and ridicule. 


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