How To Get Away with Murder: Happy People Don’t Murder Their Best Friends. They Just Don’t.

If we learned anything from this week’s episode of How to Get Away with Murder, it’s that high school was the worst and teenagers are fucking crazy. I spent a good 30 minutes after I was done watching it silently thanking every person that didn’t stab me to death when I was 16 even though they had every right to. You guys the real MVPs.

Flash Forward

After four episodes, the EMTs have finally arrived at the Murder Twincest Mansion and carted Annalise off into an ambulance. Nate and his band of merry murderers listen to her status off the police scanner in his car, and it doesn’t sound like she’s doing too hot. Will Annalise die? Absolutely fucking not. There’s a lot of obvious reasons like that she’s the main character and this show would be nothing without her, but most importantly I saw a pre-season interview with Viola Davis where she laughed at questions of being killed off and claimed her contract was rock solid. So fear not friends, Annalise will be around ruining people’s lives for many seasons to come.

My Boyfriend’s Dying Wife’s Keeper 

Annalise’s spa time/attempted suicide by drowning is interrupted by a phone call from Nate. She answers on the first ring, reeking of desperation, only to find that it isn’t Nate calling, but his dying wife Nia. Ah yes, we’ve been hearing about you for a while, it’s about time you showed up to cause trouble and probably frame Annalise for murder.

Nia summons Annalise to her death bed, where she greets her with a not at all casual “I’ve been wondering what kind of woman can sleep with a dying woman’s husband,” and then follows it up with a “that’s not an insult.” This woman who is about four breaths from death fully just threw a “No offense, but…” at Annalise and I am here for it. It’s about time someone pointed out that, while badass, 90% of what she does is completely fucked.
Not one to waste time that she clearly doesn’t have, Nia point blank asks Annalise to help her kill herself by getting her some phenobarbital. Annalise tells her she can’t, not because assisted suicide is crazy illegal in most states and a bit of a moral gray area, but because she doesn’t have access to highly classified drugs. Nia isn’t having it.

Annalise: I don’t even know where I would get phe-

Nia: Yeah, we all know that shady motherfucker Frank probably makes it in his kitchen. Get me some.

Understandably, this encounter leaves Annalise shaken, and she’s completely off her game for the rest of the episode, something that is definitely noticed by her students and clients alike. To no one’s surprise, Annalise is very easily able to acquire some Phenobarbital from Frank who, to his credit, manages to be moderately responsible and ask if he should be concerned about this incredibly sketch request.
Annalise shows up to the hospital, equipped with not phenobarbital but the single most condescending speech of all time. She tells Nia that she won’t help her kill herself because, although she too has considered suicide, life is precious and shouldn’t be taken for granted. This would be a great sentiment if Nia was a healthy woman with a full life ahead of her, but she’s not. She’s living in constant pain in a hospital bed hooked up to about thirty machines with absolutely zero chance of recovery.  But Annalise doesn’t get to kill herself and therefore no one else can either.

Nia, master of the last word, throws out a “I’m not angry, just disappointed.” Annalise leaves in tears, because no matter what age that kind of comment still stings just as bad as the first time your 6th grade teacher said it to you.

Skanks Get Shanked 

The case this week is by far the most entertaining part of the episode. A meek and awkward 16-year-old is being charged with the murder of her best friend, who she stabbed 52 times. To be fair, the dead girl probably borrowed a shirt and then irreversibly stretched out, at which point we’ve all contemplated murdering a friend at one time or another.

Zoe, the clear sociopath, is claiming that two popular girls brainwashed her into killing her friend, which seems like a stretch even for this show. Literally all the prosecutor had to do in her cross-examination was drop a “well if the popular girls jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?” Case closed. Quitting my job as TV show recapper to become a lawyer. It’s been real, guys.

Annalise’s defense was built on the theme of “any one of us could be a murderer,” a statement that resounded with her students while also making them incredibly uncomfortable. Shockingly, Connor empathized with Zoe. Maybe he was projecting his own mistakes onto her, or (more likely) he realized that he probably bullied more than a few kids to the point of murder in high school. Laurel, as per usual, is having none of anyone else’s shit and decides to take the case into her own hands. She steals Zoe’s phone and finds a video of the two popular bitches and Zoe reenacting their friend’s death in a way that maybe implies they aren’t all that remorseful about it. The video cuts out right after Zoe offers a chilling suggestion for their next murder: carving a C into her teacher’s forehead before gutting her.

Despite Annalise’s efforts, this video obviously surfaces in court, at which point Zoe fucking loses it. She screams “You were just a stuck-up bitch who was nothing without me. You’re just a basic bitch who should watch her back, because you’re next whore,” effectively sealing that indictment. Coincidentally, that is almost verbatim what I said to my barista last week when she fucked up my coffee.

Connor Develops A Conscience 

Connor is having a rough time this week because it would appear he’s begun to develop pesky things like morals and a conscience. Falling in love with a literal angel will do that to you, I guess. He spends most of the episode pointing out what everyone else (but Wes) has either not noticed or tried very hard to ignore: Annalise is pretty fucked up. He thinks they’ve all been Stockholmed into supporting her questionable lifestyle, and he might not be wrong.
When Annalise deletes the video that very clearly proves that Zoe is a cold –blooded murder, Connor loses it. He says he refuses to let a murderer walk free, which is rough considering he’s pursuing a career as a defense attorney. It’s later revealed, after the incriminating video pops up in court, that Connor was the one who sent it to the prosecutor. Annalise not-so-casually reminds him that the only reason he isn’t rotting away in jail with a very sore ass is because of her, and that she could very easily put him there if she liked.

Michaela Pulls A Wes

Annalise sends Michaela in to prep the murder twins for their cross-examination, not because she’s proved herself to be smart or incredibly useful but because she has boobs. After some tension filled banter between her and Caleb, it becomes very clear that Michaela has a fat crush on him. Clear enough for Catherine to point blank ask her if she does. You know that conversation you had in elementary school where you were trying to feel out if your best friend had the same crush as you but you hadn’t developed the fragile nuances of subtlety yet? Yeah, that was basically what this was.

Catherine: Do you like my brother?

Michaela: WHAT. GOD NO. Do you like your brother?

Catherine: EW. NO. OF COURSE NOT. But you like him right?

During this encounter Catherine reveals that she’s a virgin, and because it’s the 1940’s Annalise decides to get her hymen checked to use as a defense strategy in court. I didn’t know hospitals still ran virginity tests, but then again there are still Republicans around so anything is possible. The results: Catherine is a virgin and therefore can’t be fucking her brother and didn’t murder her parents. Law logic. What, like it’s hard?

Wes/Eggs 2016

Levi has been shacking up with Wes while they secretly investigate Rebecca’s death, with the assistance of Nate who doesn’t know Levi exists. I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if these two fell in love since Wes is clearly only attracted to trashy people with dubious intentions and tragic childhoods.

Despite threatening Levi to stay away from Michaela, Wes finds out they are still hooking up and gets a tad bit upset. He almost ends his sleuthing relationship, but then Levi reveals that he knows where Rebecca’s body is buried. Wes runs straight to Nate, who yells at him for involving yet another shady character in their incredibly illicit extracurricular activities. Like honestly, when will he learn?

Snitches Get Stiches

Asher is pretty MIA from this episode, a fact that literally only Bonnie notices/cares about. She calls to check on him and he offers up some lame excuse about being sick.

Bonnie: Let’s go to Taco Bell.

Asher: I can’t. I’m sick. Cough.

Asher is not sick, but holed up in a different courthouse with ADA Sinclair and his dad. He’s finally succumbing to blackmail and testifying against Annalise, because whatever went down at Trotter Lake must be pretty serious. Bonnie confronts him in a parking garage, her rendezvous point of choice, and he tells her what he did. The saddest part of this is that Asher thinks he has the entirety of season one’s plot figured out, when he couldn’t be farther from the truth. He says Annalise shouldn’t get away with orchestrating Sam’s murder via Nate, at which point Bonnie throws herself beneath the Annalise bus, yet again, and admits that she actually killed Sam. Guaranteed Annalise will find some reason to be mad about this bout of sacrificial commitment.

Flash Forward Part Duex 

While still listening to Annalise’s progress via radio, Nate drops Michaela off at a mystery location. Everyone in the car is pretty skeptical that she’s going to be able to pull of whatever it is she’s about to do, but if we’ve learned anything it’s that Michaela manages to pull it together when she really needs to. It’s a nice skill that a lot of people develop during their college years, just usually not from being involved in multiple murders.
Michaela gets out of the car and walks up into an apartment where a shadowy figure asks if Annalise is okay. Who is it? Just Caleb, the murder twin.  DUN DUN DUNNNNN. Catherine is nowhere to be seen.

In the first episode, I couldn’t figure out which character would turn on Annalise so drastically. At this point, I’m having a hard time figuring out which one of them wouldn’t want to murder her. Moral of the story: trust no bitch.

Till next week, betches. 


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