One moment you’re downing Moscow Mules in an ironic basement bar screaming “I’m going to live forever” and the next you’re patting your flat stomach wondering what you’d look like pregnant. What? Did you just ask yourself that? You might have nesting urges.
It’s perfectly normal to feel an empty hole growing in your stomach as you get older, but don’t worry betch, you’re not alone. You’re actually programmed to feel this way by nature. Like literally, it’s called survival of the betchiest and it’s science. That’s why when you see a drooling baby on the subway stick it’s disgusting hands in it’s baby mouth you think about how you’re going to be a cool mom and not a regular mom. But don’t worry, there are ways to beat your body clock.
We’ll start with the obvious. Birth control, duh. If you’re on the pill and/or using condoms, you’re pretty covered. Actually, being on the pill works by convincing your body you’re always pregnant, so if you ever wondered what it feels like to have life form inside you, now you know. Minus the part where you have to give birth and feed an alien from your boobs, obvs. But if your natural urges are so strong you find yourself “forgetting” to take a pill or two – well you might want to consider an IUD. Also you might want to consider therapy or like communicating this to your partner, but we trust you already know that. An IUD is great because in order to take it out you have to like make an appointment with the gyno, and that’s so much work. So chances are you won’t change your mind so easily.
But babies are so cute! Or so you think. If the idea of dressing up your baby in mini designer clothes and teaching them to sing Beyonce songs to Snapchat your friends is starting to appeal to you, all you need to do is spend some serious time with somebody else’s baby to remember why you don’t want one. Offer to babysit for your married friend’s baby while she goes out on a rare date with her husband on a Friday night (to be back by 10 pm because mothers are attached AF). You’ll get bored after two Instagram photos and wish you could get blackout instead of having to keep your voice down to not wake a sleeping baby. Seriously, when you’ve got a baby, you can’t just casually go out. There’s no coat check in clubs for babies.
Finally, remember that time you threw up at the bar on your 21st birthday and you were like “thank god I didn’t have to clean that up”? Well when you have a baby, you always have to clean it up. And it’s not even your throw up you’re cleaning up. It’ll be baby diapers and puke 24/7 and your baby won’t even thank you.
So next time you find yourself browsing Pinterest boards for baby clothes, remember this: your baby is going to be able to fit in smaller clothes than you. Do you really want a girl in your house that’s skinnier than you?