Summer is literally right around the corner and I am PISSED that no one notified me about this. Like, I just hung up my puffy coat two
months weeks ago and you suddenly expect me to shed my dry AF winter skin and wine- and cheese-induced body already?? I am not Khloé Kardashian, I can’t just hire a plastic surgeon personal trainer to whip me and my pale AF legs into shape. Sighs. Tbh I haven’t felt this personally victimized since last May, when summer suddenly appeared every year like it’s supposed to out of fucking nowhere. Way harsh, Tai. Way harsh.
That being said, I am amazing at faking things. Just ask any of my Bumble dates when they meet me in person or my coworkers who think I’m “upbeat” and “positive.” Lol yeah, like positively dead inside. So why should faking great summer legs be any different? And for once, America’s dermatologists are not out to ruin our lives and actually have some helpful shit to say about this. Miracles. So listen up, because I’m about to tell you the
dermatologist recommended betch approved beauty products you need to fake having great legs this summer. Don’t ever say money can’t buy you happiness legs you aren’t afraid to show in public.
Dry AF Winter Skin
Honestly, I try to never leave my apartment between the months of January and April, but there’s only so many brunches I’m willing to miss. And New York’s winter weather has wreaked havoc on my skin as punishment. If you want the scientific explanation for wtf is happening to your skin, it has to do with your skin cells not falling off the way they’re supposed to. Ew. In order to look summer Friday ready you need to nourish the fuck out of your skin. Step one is to use a cleanser that won’t strip your skin of moisture, like Dove Body Wash. Step two is to moisturize and we suggest using Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion. Seems obvious, but so does diet and exercise to lose weight, and does anyone really do that? I thought not.
I’d like to say that I’m too young for cellulite but I’d also like to say that I don’t eat my weight in pizza 2-3 times a week and really I don’t feel too confident commenting on either of those topics rn. Since I don’t want you to put me down for cardio I guess I’m just going to have to fake this one too, and the best way to hide cellulite is with tan skin. Case in point: the Kardashians. Those hoes wouldn’t be caught dead wearing clothing, ditto for showing any sort of
human weakness cellulite. Some may attribute this to their team of highly skilled plastic surgeons, but I attribute this to those surgeons AND having tan AF skin.
I suggest using Sally Hansen’s Airbrush Legs for this. It costs less than whatever you’re about to order off of Seamless tonight, plus it leaves your legs looking glowy and lean AF.
Aka the reason I go to the gynecologist multiple times a year in a state of panic. Most people forget about the top part of your legs, which is only really relevant if you don’t want to look like shit in your obligatory summer poolside Instagram pic. Fucking duh. And aside from giving me mild heart attacks, these little fuckers are v painful and hard to hide in a bikini. Dermatologists suggest exfoliating the area before you shave and also shaving the way your hair grows, as if we didn’t already know that shit. Jesus. I retract my earlier statements about dermatologists being helpful. But if you’re already screwed and have razor burn and/or ingrown hairs try using an over-the-counter hydrocortisone cream. It will relieve the itching and the redness so you won’t be walking around looking like you caught a really bad STD.
Congratulations. You now have legs that are socially acceptable to be seen in the Hamptons, which is really all we were striving for in the first place. K, if you need me I’ll just be
working out watching workout videos on YouTube.