I am writing to you about a situation with my boyfriend’s sister, because I need to understand from an outsider’s perspective whether I have any reason to feel the way I’m feeling or maybe I’m just crazy.
A little background story: I started dating my boyfriend about 3.5 years ago, and we have been living together for 2.5 years of that relationship. I am 28 now, my bf is 25, and his sister is 24. Right from the start I’ve always felt like she was trying WAY too hard to become my new best friend, even though I was not really interested in her or her friendship. I’ve always been nice to her and tried to act excited when I saw her, but my boyfriend could always tell I never really liked her. She just has a weird personality, never does anything fun, can’t stand up to her parents for anything (she even broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years because her MOM told her to), and her personality simply does not appeal to me. If it wasn’t for the fact that it’s my bf’s sister, I’d never talk to her or want to hang out with her at any stage of my life.
But what annoys me most is that I feel like she is always trying to impress me and make herself seem just as smart/nice as me. My boyfriend keeps saying I should be happy that his sister loves me so much and admires me, and that’s why she’s trying to impress me. But I get literally FURIOUS when she is always like “omg I got a good grade” or “omg I got a new job at my school” or “omg this and that.” Like sorry but I DON’T CARE. She knows I have an amazing job and am really nice to everyone all the time, and she is just trying to do everything to prove to me that she is just as smart or amazing. And this is not to say that I think those things about myself—I actually have extremely low self-esteem, but in her eyes I am all those great things so she is trying to be like me.
I have been putting up with it and tried to act “excited” each time she would tell me some good news to impress me, because it is after all my bf’s sister and my future SIL, but yesterday I found out that while I was away on vacation for 2 weeks, she had a few interviews at MY company and she got a job. My bf told me as he just found out. He expected me to be happy about the news I guess, but I literally broke down and started crying. I feel horrible. My job is the one thing in life I deem my biggest accomplishment, and I feel like she just took that away for me. Working at this company was MY thing, nobody else’s. Out of my entire family and closest friends, I was the only one who was able to get in, and it was a big deal, and it actually made me feel really good that people viewed me as a smart and capable individual who was able without any strings to get into such a great company. I prided myself on the fact that they don’t just “hire anyone.” But now that this girl got hired, I feel like my accomplishment means nothing anymore.
Her grades were nowhere near as good as mine, she did not do any extracurricular stuff at school ever (while I killed myself through high school and college to do so much extra stuff), she can’t even write in proper English (she had me revise her papers and they were HORRIBLE), she went to a shitty community college for 2 years and just recently transferred to an OK school in my state. I just feel like someone like her should have never gotten a job at a company like mine, who is supposed to only hire the best. Again, it’s not that I’m jealous of her—I have a much higher position in the company than when I started 4 years ago, and I know she is going into an entry-level position, but just the fact that someone like her got in makes me mad. It makes me feel like her parents (my bf’s parents) will think now that I’m not even that smart or special for working there, or they will think that their daughters is just as smart or amazing even though I know she isn’t. I know it’s horrible to feel this way about my future SIL.
My bf got REALLY mad at me last night when I told him how I felt. He loves his family and really wants me to love them, but I just can’t get myself to like his sister (or his mom, but that’s a different story). I know that some of my insecurities come from a really low self-esteem, but I just feel like the ONE thing I worked so hard for my entire life was just taken away from me by someone who in my opinion doesn’t even deserve it. I have some other friends who got into my company and I always felt happy for them, because I felt like they worked hard and they deserved to be here. But I don’t feel that way about her, and her getting in makes me feel like my accomplishment is no longer anything special or something to be proud of. I feel like she took away that pride from me. And another thing is—out of millions of companies out there, why did she HAVE to apply to mine?? I just feel like she HAD to be like me, she HAD to get a job at same company to try to prove to me she is just as good as me. This all makes me so irrationally MAD. I know I am probably sounding like a big b!tch, but can you please tell me if there is ANY validity whatsoever to me feeling this way?
Sorry for the long letter, and thanks in advance for any advice you can give me. I feel absolutely awful and I don’t want this to affect my relationship with my bf. HELP!!! 🙁
-The girl who can’t stand her future SIL
Like that bait-and-switch I pulled there? Yeah, in the headline I called your bf’s sister crazy when in reality, the crazy one is the girl who’s looking at you in the mirror. Look, a lot of this is wayyy above my pay grade and current sobriety level, but you got more issues than Vogue. Time for therapy. I’ll address what I can.
1. You have a very fucked-up “meritocracy” notion of how the job market works. It’s not like fucking removing Excalibur from the rock where only the most worthy, perfect, and morally wholesome person is chosen for a job. It doesn’t work that way. I’m sorry, but unless you work at Google, you need to stop holding job acquisition on such a pedestal. You know what, even if you work at Google. I know some not-that-smart, genuinely horrible people who somehow got jobs there, so like, yeah. Not a big deal. Not to mention, this girl is getting an entry-level job where you’ve already put 4 years in, and you’re acting like she’s gunning for your spot and could take your job anyday now. TAKE A FUCKING XANAX. You don’t know what could happen. She could turn down the job. She could suck at her job. She could get laid off. She could work in another department and you two could never interact. A million things could happen that are not worth you freaking out this much over a simple job offer. Now take another Xanax.
^replace “piece of bread” with the benzo of your choice, but yea.
2. You really harbor way too much animosity for someone who’s four years younger than you. To put your insanity into perspective, I’m 25, and I know I’m superior to all 21-year-olds in basically every way. If any barely legal bitch tried to come for me, I’d laugh in her face because I know she has nothing on me. Similarly, you’re 28. You’re almost 30 and you’re sooo afraid of some straight-outta-college betch? Why?? What advantage could she possibly have over you in terms of life experiences and general knowledge of how to adult/not be a dumbass? Zero, that’s how many.
3. You said you aren’t jealous and as I read this email I literally went “HA!” aloud. You are clearly so jealous of this girl! You hate when she “copies” you, you don’t want her to have anything you have—if that’s not jealousy, IDK what is. I obviously don’t know what that’s about, nor am I qualified to tell you, which is why you really need a licensed mental health professional. The fact that you acted too good to become friends with your boyfriend’s family really speaks volumes. You clearly have some weird inferiority complex. Again, get therapy.
I don’t wanna drag you too hard because you are clearly on the verge of a mental breakdown, and I don’t want that shit on my conscience. This probably is already affecting your relationship, so get a fucking jumpstart and start making real moves to show you’re working to improve yourself.
For what it’s worth, acknowledging you have low self-esteem, while a decent step, does not give you a carte-blanche to act completely irrationally. So yeah, therapy. NOW.
And get some paragraph breaks while you’re at it,