According to the Calorie Control Council, which I just found out is a thing and I already hate (I bet it’s run by a crew of overbearing mothers who stalk their daughters on Facebook to see if they have gained any weight since they left home), a typical Thanksgiving dinner can run between 3,000-4,500 calories. And that doesn’t even include all the wine you have to drink to make it out of such a long family event alive. But since it only takes you 3-4 hours to eat your weight in gravy-soaked deliciousness, you should have plenty of time left in your holiday weekend to work off all those calories and still make it to the mall for Black Friday
warfare shopping. Just follow our Betches Thanksgiving Burn, and you can indulge guilt-free in one responsible serving of each meal item.
By far the healthiest thing on the menu, and the most likely to put you to sleep—four slices of Thanksgiving turkey (not deep fried because that’s dangerous and really unnecessary) can be burned off with 30 minutes of TRX resistance training. So bring your suspension bands and pray that grandma has a sturdy tree branch for you to hang from.
SoulCycle For Stuffing
Weighing in at a whopping 500 calories for a scoop of stuffing and some gravy, you’ll have to submit yourself to one full SoulCycle ride to work it off. I imagine you earn yourself an extra bite if you cry during class (tears burn calories, right?), and you have our permission to go in for seconds if you accidentally signed up for Soul Survivor (that extra 15 minutes is fucking brutal).
Cranberry Sauce Crunches
If your aunt’s cooking is dry as fuck and you aren’t a gravy person (do those exist?), cranberry sauce is your only saving grace. But that jelly sweetness comes at a price, and it doesn’t matter if you are one of those girls who thinks crunches will give you a six pack or one of those bitches that’s never done a crunch and still has a six pack—we will all be spending 45 minutes on our floors crunching that cranberry goodness out of our pores. Earn yourself an extra spoonful with 10 minutes of bicycle crunches, because if your legs are moving too then you are probably exercising harder.
Mashed Potato Mountain Climbers
The whitest thing on your dinner plate (besides, of course, your whitewashed re-telling of the Thanksgiving story), is thankfully not the fattiest. For every serving at 250 calories (plus or minus the amount of butter and salt you added to make them edible), plan on spending 25 minutes mountain climbing on your living room floor. If you feel like shaking things up, mix those cranberries and taters and add 5 minutes of climbers between each 10 minute crunch interval.
A Pie Full Of Pilates
Still have room for dessert? Well, each slice of pie will cost you 350-450 calories and two hours of your life in a Pilates studio. You are trading short-term satisfaction for long-term results with this one, so don’t expect to sweat it out—but it’s possible your arms will look good by New Years.
But if that all sounds crazy to you (which it is), just eat your food, plant your ass on your parent’s couch for the weekend while they do your laundry, and enjoy your 10-pound holiday weight gain like a normal person. Because eating is easy, exercising is miserable, and you are probably getting new clothes for Christmas anyway.