The season finale of The Bachelorette aired last night, and with it came the announcement that JoJo Fletcher and Jordan Rodgers are engaged to be married. This will obviously never happen since, like most couples that meet on this show, the only thing they’re going to be “spending the rest of their lives” doing is getting paid to advertise face masks on Instagram. But how long will their engagement last, and at what precise point in time will they make their burning hatred for one another known to the American public? We spent all night crunching the numbers, and are now prepared to offer you the following timeline detailing the most pivotal moments leading up to the demise of Jordan and JoJo, down to the minute they will break up:
May 16, 2016, 2:36 PM: Jordan proposes to JoJo and filming for the show ends. Let’s call this peak happiness for the couple, considering Robby would have literally ripped his heart out and handed it to her on a silver platter and she still didn’t pick him. Jordan is “everything she ever wanted!” and he’s mostly excited because he can finally say he won something.
May 16, 2016, 3:00 PM: After months without access to her phone or social media, JoJo quickly begins reading the tabloid coverage of her new fiancé including the scandal about ex-girlfriend Brittany Farrar, disapproving comments from his older brother Aaron Rodgers and concerns that he might currently be on the dating app Raya.
May 16, 2016, 3:02 PM: JoJo looks up to find Jordan happily checking Raya and exclaiming, “Wow, I have so many matches!” She’s upset but they have a “really good talk about it,” and plus she remembers they have that photoshoot with People magazine next week.
May 20, 2016, 8:45 AM: It’s the day of the People magazine photoshoot and Jordan can’t find his hair gel. They’re running 45 minutes late. “Where did you move it?” he hisses, “You know what a big day this is for me!” Turmoil ensues.
June 14, 2016, 4:34 PM: Disappointed that their engagement isn’t as perfect as they thought it would be and hoping to get some inspiration, the couple heads over to JoJo’s home in Dallas to have dinner with her family. Jordan feels he can really open up and be himself now that the show is over and the cameras are gone.
June 15, 2016, 8:36 AM: JoJo’s parents call to rescind their blessing for the two to get married. They didn’t really approve before but now a wedding would just be unconscionable. Her brothers ask with a tone of disgust how she could possibly bring such a clear psychopath into the family.
July 29, 2016, 2:14 PM: The couple walks around in public for the first time wearing disguises, but still feeling a nervous excitement that they might get caught by the paparazzi. Someone does realize it’s them, but instead of taking pictures or saying anything at all, the onlooker just throws the rest of her bagel at them and walks away.
August 1, 7:30 PM: It’s the night of season finale and Jordan and JoJo are in makeup getting ready for the After The Final Rose ceremony. Jordan’s hair gel is missing again. “You really are trying to sabotage me aren’t you?” he says accusingly. “Well two can play at that game.”
August 1, 11:58 PM: “What the hell was that?!” JoJo shouts at Jordan in the Uber home. “We rehearsed our fake answer about the wedding plans and you were supposed to say Spring 2018! Ben Higgins was in the audience for Christ’s sake, and Lauren B looks great with all that work she had done. This is SUCH a nightmare.”
—— Present Day—— *Note: They already fucking hate each other.
August 2, 1:08 PM: JoJo receives a text from Chris Harrison that says, “U ok? That was weird. Can give you Robby’s cell if needed.” She says sure, but only as a backup because he’s still way too nice.
September 18, 10:06 AM: In a last-ditch effort to keep the romance alive, JoJo tries to surprise Jordan with breakfast in bed. She finds him in his closet with a voodoo doll of Aaron Rodgers and says “Fuck this I’m out.”
September 20, 3:09 PM: Jordan calls asking for her forgiveness and begs her to “think of the spin-off show.” JoJo realizes she’s still not even 26 and there always Bachelor in Paradise. She breaks up with him and immediately leaves to get drunk with her mom and practice her fake tears for the live interview at the start of next season.
All that being said, we give JoJo and Jordan 49 days and three more hours as a couple. This final estimate may be off by a minute or two, but you can feel confident that all of the events listed above are grounded in data and represent the most accurate information you can currently find available.