How Do I Maintain A Betchy Lifestyle Despite Being Poor? Dear Betch…

Dear Betches,

First off, your website is amazing and some of the best satire I’ve read. Anyways, a lot of the time in your book and on this site you talk about funding from your parents, spending your dads money, etc. etc. I really really wish I could do this but there is no way my parents could get by if I did. My question is, considering you talk about the finance part of being a betch so much, is it possible to not have as much money as others and therefore have to break your “Threshold Theory” and actually work hard in order to finance a betch lifestyle, even though that kind of defeats the purpose because you’d be working and that’s already not betchy? Sorry if that made zero sense. Basically, if your parents are less fortunate is it still betchy to have to work 60 hours a week in order to finance your lifestyle until I find a rich pro?


Not-In-The-Black Betch

Dear Broke Betch,

Thank you, no autographs, please. I’ll keep this one short and sweet. In terms of where betches get their money, the heirarchy is as follows:

1. Parents. No need to beat a dead horse, obv if you can get cash from your parents that’s the betchiest way to go. You know this, we know this, so let’s move on.

2. Pros. If you don’t have rich parents (sad, but like Leighton Meester and plenty of other celebs grew up poor—it happens), you def need a rich pro bf who will shower you with expensive gifts. If you’re not in a relationship, you need to go on as many dates as your schedule allows to really take advantage of all the free, fancy dinners.

3. Work, I guess. Working is not betchy but like, neither is being homeless, so between these two evils it’s pretty obvious which is the lesser one. If you have to work to maintain your lifestyle, work. Fucking duh. Shit, if you can work 60-hour weeks and still be fun, more power to you. Better you than me.

You do know what satire is, right?

The Betches

Dear Betch,

There’s this SAB that’s been fucking with me and I don’t know how to win. About a year and a half ago we started dating but we both ended up cheating on each other. I thought he was cheating (he was) so I decided to stoop down to his level, regardless it ended badly (aka I was more upset about the breakup then he was). We both went off to college, had no communication, and I started to get over him. But he has a sixth sense. As soon as I stop thinking about him and start getting over it, he’ll start texting me or snapchatting me. He tries to drag me back into his shit because he likes feeling like he has control over my emotions (like please be a bigger dick) but I never want to give him that satisfaction again.

At this point I’m so over his shit but I was low key in love with him and he broke my heart. I need to get rid of him once and for all but I want to do it in the betchiest way possible. Ideally, he’d be totally devastated but he’s too much of a feelingless asshole for that. I will seriously be forever grateful for the advice.


Need to win betch

Dear I can’t think of a witty name for you, so tough luck,

Yep, guys do have a sixth sense for when betches start to get over them. Fact. You have a textbook WGA on your hands and the only way to win at this point is to ignore the shit out of him. There is no reason you should be snapchatting this guy back or responding to his texts. I don’t care if he needs a kidney and you’re the only viable donor—the answer is no. You should also stop opening his snapchats. The notifications might get annoying but that’s the price you pay for winning.

You have to realize that this guy really isn’t going to be devastated one way or another and you’re not going to get the cold revenge you’re fantasizing about. But you can get the next best thing, which is making it so that this SAB knows you give absolutely no fucks about him. He probably won’t come crawling back to you or even apologize, but I bet it will secretly bum him out when he realizes he can’t continue to use you anymore.

You’re welcome,

The Betches

Got a fucked up question only people as fucked up as The Betches can understand? Email and you just might get a response. 


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