How Do I Fix My Shitty Eyebrows? Dear Betch…

Dear Betches,

Obviously eyebrows are a thing now. Sadly, I was born with ashy blonde hair that makes my already sparse eyebrows look pretty much nonexistent. On top of that, I had an accident when I was a kid that left a scar on my left eyebrow, fucking up its arch for life. When I try eyebrow pencils, I inevitably look like some drag queen straight out of a John Waters film, but eyebrow powder never seems to stick, and I’m mad skeptical about dyeing anything near my retinas. The world of Youtube tutorials is vast, terrifying, and full of product shilling. Any tips?

 – Mona Lisa

Dear Mia Goth,

You are correct in your assumption that #113 eyebrows are indeed a thing. A V V V important thing. I’m unclear on what shade of “ashy” your “ashy blonde hair” is — and whether or not that’s even working for your skin tone/undertones/personality tones — but I can tell you this: There is hope. (It’s bleak, but it’s out there.) Here’s what you do.

1. Nix the shitty eyebrow pencils and powders you’ve been using. Clearly, those aren’t working for you.

2. Remember this name, and only this name: ANASTASIA. Mia, I’ve been on a long road to recovery from an over tweezed moment circa 2006, and let me just tell you, Anastasia brow products are the only brow products you should trust because Anastasia is the second coming of Christ.

3. Go into your local Sephora/Ulta and ask for help. I’ve you’ve ever been to an AA meeting (if not, highly suggest), then you know the first step on the road to recovery is asking for help. Or forgiveness. It’s asking for something. (Side note: only approach a sales woman if she has enviable eyebrows herself. If she doesn’t, move on. Go to a different store if you have to, but plz, I repeat, only ask for her assistance if her eyebrows are on fleek, and if she doesn’t use the word “fleek” to describe eyebrows.)

4. Let her match you by your coloring. Buy what she tells you to. (Though my personal Anastasia favorites are firstly, the brow whiz pencil and secondly, the dipbrow pomade. If you buy the pomade, you NEED a good brush, so don’t forget that.)

5. The next thing to do is practice. Practice until your hands are shaking so much that you can’t feel your hands, and you forget that you have hands, and who your name is, but you only remember the word “Anastasia” and you are humming it like a personal mantra. You will get better at this. It might take 10,000 hours but it will happen to you. Ask Malcolm Gladwell, he knows.

Until then, I suggest bangs.

The Betches

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