Hi Head Pro,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We have a good sex life in most regards, except – he finishes really fast. Like, the other day we had sex for two minutes and that was a really long time. He definitely takes care of me so it isn't as though I'm painfully frustrated, but I would still really love to come from plain old PIV once in a while. It is really frustrating when I get close, but he can't hold back and I don't get to finish. He'll still take care of me after he finishes in some other way, but it really isn't the same, and I feel like the mood dissipates anyway. Plus, he has like a really long refractory period, too, so we can't go again after.
I've never really said anything about it. Sometimes he acknowledges it, but I've never wanted to push it or make him feel embarrassed or offended. I've googled like techniques to try and last longer, but I don't want to just drop them on him, because I am sure he's put thought into this. I don't want to sound like a know-it-all about something he surely understands better than me. That would definitely offend him.
He's 22 and has been having regular sex for a really long time, so I don't think it's something that'll improve with time, either. And, there are all the techniques I've read about online, like edging and stuff, but we live together with housemates, and he has a roommate, so there's not a lot of privacy outside of my bedroom where, like, I live… so I don't think this is something he could do without me knowing that it was going on.
It's not like this is destroying our relationship or anything, but I really want to address the issue. It's been more than a year since I've had sex that lasted a while and I really want to change that. How can I say something? Or, should I not say anything and maybe subtly suggest something, or just let it be? Really no idea how to handle this.
Dear Undersatisfied Undergrad,
Sheesh, ok. That’s a bummer for you, and believe me it’s just as big a bummer for him, too. Humanity is weird in that while our masculinity is judged, in part, by our ability to please women, we’re also bred to orgasm quickly. It’s an evolutionary advantage – if it took guys 20 minutes to jizz every time, the human population would be a lot smaller than it is now. Still, telling him he would have been great at propagating the species 100,000 years ago doesn’t do either of you many favors.
I did some Googling, and it looks like the “average” duration for sex is a little over 5 minutes, while “premature ejactulation” is anything less than 2 minutes. It sounds like he’s in that camp, in which case it may be a good idea for him to look into a doctor and/or therapist. I’m obviously neither of those things, but I do know this – being stressed about it will only make it worse for him, and he doesn’t need to learn how to “hold off” – after all, ejactulation is the result of orgasm. Instead, he needs to get more accustomed to the sensations that cause him to blow. Here are a few ways to do that:
– Change positions. Missionary is awful for everyone. It takes your clit almost completely out of the equation, and lets us in at a weird angle that creates a lot of stimulation. Try something more direct. I can last in woman-on-top position until the end of space-time.
– Foreplay. I once read somewhere where they described the muscular anatomy of the hoo-ha as “a towel inside of a sock being squeezed by a pair of hands….” yeah, I have no idea either. Anyhow, the point was that with greater arousal, the muscles in the vagina relax. That preserves the feeling while still not being so tight that he’s compelled to bust immediately. Have him diddle you before sex, not after.
– Lube. Use some. A wetter vagina has less friction, which is what leads to orgasm. Again, we want him to get used to how it feels and being there for a while without fear of jumping the gun. Be liberal with the KY.
– Toys. The incorporation of a vibrator into your trips to the bone zone can’t hurt. They’ll help you get off faster during intercourse, and having some of that stress off his shoulders might in turn help him last longer.
– Booze. The old standby – extending rides on the fuck coaster since the dawn of time.
– Condoms. No one’s favorite, but an effective last resort. Actually I hope, in a weird way, that you aren’t already using condoms, because if he can’t last 2 minutes with a condom on he DEFINITELY has a medical issue.
That should get you started. Remember – he doesn’t need to learn how to further restrict himself, he needs to learn how to relax and get accustomed to the sensation. See if trying any of the above can’t move the needle a little before you talk about more drastic measures.
Hey Head Pro,
I lost my virginity a couple of weeks ago to a hot Scottish guy I met on holiday on a tropical island in Australia.
The sex was great, (although I have nothing to compare it to), but we did it at least 10 times over the 2 nights I was there. I could hardly walk. Anyway he was really sweet and has been texting and messaging me since then even though he's travelling. As the cherry on top (lol) he's moving to my city at the end of the month.
I'm really horribly anxious whenever guys don't reply to me and it's been over 48 hours now and he hasn't replied to my last facebook message saying I could go get on the pill if he wanted me to (he asked me in person). Am I being too easy by asking that? Was this a weird question to ask him? Am I over-reacting? Why is he not replyingggggg.
From deflowered by a Scottish thistle.. (bad?)
Also, how do I know if you answer my question?
Dear deflowered by a Scottish thistle.. (yes, unspeakably so),
Ok, so, while this all probably sounds pretty ridiculous to anyone not currently wallowing in the carnal sheets of their defloration, I can tell you why he’s not responding: While I suppose it’s one thing to discuss, even inquire as to the prophylactic status of the person you knew and boned for 48 hours, it’s another thing entirely to say to them “Yes. I would like you to get on the pill.” That’s probably a good sign, in a way, as only a crazy person would actually say that.
It’s also, for you, probably kind of a bad sign – it means that despite moving to your city (convenient information to provide to someone you’d like to bang), he’s probably not looking to further the relationship. Look, vacation makes people do funny things, as do tropical islands. What sounds like a good idea while vacationing on a tropical island doesn’t sound so great when you leave that island, up to and including continuing a relationship with the former virgin you’ve known for less time than most people spend in line at the DMV. The good news is that, provided you discuss it with a medical professional, being on the pill can be a great thing to do if you think there’s even a chance you’ll continue to be sexually active. I hear it helps with hormones and shit, too. Still, it’s a decision you make for yourself, not because Gerard Butler asked you to.
The answer to those three last questions is “yes,”
PS – Now you know!