Here are your betchy weekly horoscopes for February 2nd – February 8th. You’re welcome.
You went hard this weekend, Aries, and we salute you for it. People might have said you couldn't do tequila shots like you were a freshman in college, and boy did you prove them wrong. However, now you're probably a little hungover and by a little I mean you want to fucking die. Lucky for you, half of America and definitely all of Seattle and Boston are in the same boat. If you weren't drunk for the Super Bowl, did you even watch it? Blacking out on a Sunday is acceptable (encouraged, even) when you're forced to suffer through four hours of a football game. That's like, the rules of patriotism. So close the blinds, get back in bed, and ride out this hangover. The week will get better.
Valentine's Day is coming up, but we don't need to tell you that. You're very aware that it's right around the corner in all of its red and pink coated glory. Painfully aware in fact, that the most romantic day of the year is coming and you are woefully unprepared for the emotional baggage that comes with it. Well guess what? Fuck it. Valentine's Day does not make or break you, despite what everyone would have you think. Take some of that natural born confidence that Taurus betches are known for and literally tell anyone who makes a singles awareness day joke to go fuck themselves, mostly because calling it singles awareness day is pathetic. Treat Valentine's Day like any other day, and you'll be just fine.
Not to run the risk of sounding like a motivational poster, but it's about time you started appreciating yourself, Gemini. This week, the planets want you to love yourself the way Kim Kardashian loves herself. We're talking entire book of pictures of your fucking face levels of self love here. This is no easy feat; that kind of confidence takes years to build up. But there's no better time to start laying that foundation than now. In the words of our favorite hot Cheeto, baby you're a firework. So start fucking acting like it.
I hope you weren't feeling too hungover from the Super Bowl, because this week is about to be unreal busy. Between work and your brimming social life (you can't help it that you're so popular), you will hardly have the time to uphold your two nap a day schedule. Rough. To get through it, the doctor is prescribing inhumane amounts of caffeine. Like, 4Lokos before the FDA got ahold of them status. Take once every four hours, and repeat if necessary, which it definitely will be.
This week, you may find yourself at a crossroads of sorts. Unfortunately we are not talking about the kind starring Britney Spears. Decisions are the actual worse, so we feel for you Leo. Our advice? You do you. Sometimes you just need to step back, stop listening to everyone else, and make the choice that makes you happiest, even if it seems a little selfish. If you're having a really difficult time realizing what is, here's how you tell: get drunk. Once your inhibitions are gone, making a decision for yourself seems a lot easier than it actually is. Highly recommend this method for any major life choices.
This week is looking a little bit rough for you, Virgo. The planets are setting the stage for some serious confrontation, and you are smack dab in the middle of it. It's alright, sometimes betches need to throw down to remind everyone who's in charge. However, there are some things you should remember before you head into battle. 1. Always keep a cool head when it comes to these situations. Nothing makes you look crazier than screaming at someone who can't even be bothered to look angry. 2. Go in with a plan. The goal is to not seem flustered, even if internally you're having a heart attack. 3. Dress for success. Revenge is a dish best served in Louboutins.
This is the week that you get your love life back on track, Libra. Like honestly, it's been too long and the cats are starting to gravitate towards your house. So take off your robe, put on some pants that aren't velour, and get yourself back out there. Not physically, obviously. This isn't the fucking Stone Age. Luckily, we live in the era of technology, which means you don't have to go any farther than your phone to meet your next conquest. If Tinder isn't your style, and with good reason, there are other options out there. Check out Bumble or Happn, or any other dating app that appeals to you. It doesn't matter how you do it, just do it. You don't want to be caught by yourself smuggling wine into 50 Shades of Grey on Valentine's.
This week, you will be overcome with the foreign sensation to get out of bed and actually do things. You may find yourself making checklists and then actually accomplishing the things on them. You might wake up to a clean room and a closet full of freshly laundered clothes. This is called being productive. Don't fight it, because it will pass on its own far too soon. Use this highly motivated time wisely, because you never know when you'll be afflicted again.
You can't win em all, Sagittarius. Yeah, this sounds like a quote some sad nice girl might scribble in her planner along with her other daily affirmations, but it bears remembering on a week like this. Honestly? It's going to be kind of shitty. Sorry. When going through a hard time, it's best to surround yourself with things you love. For us, that usually means a bottle (or four) of wine, a Netflix account, and our beds with sheets of Egyptian cotton. Your list may look a little different (probably not), but the idea is the same: get ready. Come the end of the week, you'll be glad you did.
This week, devote some serious time to taking care of yourself. Your body is a temple, but lately you've kind of been treating it like a flask. No judgement here, we are all guilty of it, but it's time to repair some of the damage. Advice: drink water. Like a lot of it. This is so fucking basic and yet somehow we still mess it up. Water will improve your metabolism, clear up your skin, and in general make you feel good, so load up on Evian and start chugging. Always remember: water is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.
Everyone knows winter sucks. It's cold, dark, and yet we're still expected to function. This isn't news, but this week it will seem worse than usual. Don't fret, we have a solution to your winter woes: take a mental health day. Usually this is code for I'm hungover as fuck, which you might be as well so two birds one stone, really. Whether it be work or class or some kind of exercise class you agreed to while you were drunk, don't go. A little hooky is good for the soul, and you deserve it.
There are times in your life when you need to knuckle down, get responsible, and try to be something that moderately resembles an adult. Lucky for you Pisces, this is not one of those times. This is a week for you to cherish your freedom, because we're only young once right? Go on a spontaneous trip. Splurge on a gift for yourself. Get up and do the first thing that comes to mind, even if that thing is going back to sleep for the rest of the day. Point is, do whatever the fuck you want. One day you'll be tied down and won't have the chance to think of yourself first, so take advantage of these days. Like sorry Lana, but someone probably won't still love you when you're not young and beautiful, so live it up.