Dear Betch, Should I Find A New Bar After I Hooked Up WIth The Bartender?

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Dear Betch,

Eight weeks ago, my boyfriend (of 2 years) started a course for work. 8 weeks long, 2 hours away, Monday-Friday, staying at the dorms throughout the week, home on weekends.

I noticed from the first weekend that he came home, he was mentioning a girl’s name frequently (he also talks about other people, males/females, but this female’s name is constantly brought up). He often talks about her when he’s home on weekends, stating she’s funny, just like him, and they get along great *side note, she’s 27, he’s 23. I also found out that after training, they would be going to the same location to work.

After a couple weeks, I confronted him about her, because just the two of them went on a run together at night. I stated I was uncomfortable that he was spending 1 on 1 time with a girl that he already spends all day Monday to Friday with. He became defensive, essentially saying I was overreacting. Said she was dating someone, and he doesn’t see her like that (“she’s one of the guys”). There are some pictures from training where she’s leaning unnecessarily close to his shoulder—I’ve also been a total creep on her insta/FB and there is no sign of a boyfriend of any kind. This has continued to go on. When we are with his family he brings her up, and always talks about her positively.  I’ve tried approaching the subject again, and it goes over the same way. The texts between them aren’t frequent, but they are very flirty (maybe 3 “conversations” in all the 8 weeks—but I figure they don’t need to text because they see each other all day Monday to Friday..)

I guess I’m just concerned that it’s now week 8, however they’ll be starting 3 weeks of orientation at they’re location next week—which means more Mon-Fri all day interaction.
Maybe I’m going about how to approach him wrong, and maybe I’m making something out of nothing, but I’m not sure how else to handle it when I feel uncomfortable in the situation.

Sincerely, Uncomfortable

Dear Suspicous Betch,

Going to give your BF the benefit of the doubt here and assume he’s just caught up in his new friendship and is being oblivious/fails to see how big of a deal this is to you, and that’s why he’s acting like a candy-ass (rather than the alternative, which is he knows he’s being shady AF and just doesn’t give a shit; or the even worse alternative, that he’s actively cheating). If option #1 is the case, you need to:

  • sit him down

  • let him know just how big of a deal this is for you

  • explain how upset it makes you feel

  • make it clear that this is a deal-breaker and if he doesn’t dial back his behavior in a major way (I would suggest asking him to cut out the texting unless for work emergencies and nix the one-on-one hangs, but I can’t create your boundaries for you), you will walk.

This, of course, is all assuming that this is, in fact, a deal-breaker for you—which I suspect it is because you’re so bothered by this “friendship” you had to write in—and that you, in fact, will walk if things don’t change.

I think I’ve written about this before, but his reaction will tell you everything you need to know—that is, if he truly is clueless, once you make it clear to him just how uncool his behavior is and how upset you are by is, he should genuinely apologize and have no problem backing off his coworker. You’re his girlfriend; he should care if you’re upset, ESPECIALLY if his behavior is causing it. If he doesn’t, accuses you of being too jealous, tries to downplay your feelings (holy gaslighting, Batman!), this guy’s an asshole—probably a shady asshole—and you should follow through on your promise and walk. See:

I realize it’s easier said than done, but I can GUARANTEE you that if you try to “let it go” and be the “cool girlfriend,” not only will it not work, but you will just make everything a hell of a lot more painful for yourself the longer you try to ignore your (justified) feelings of suspicion.

Trust nobody,

The Betches


Dear Betches,

I need some advice, obviously.

I am a regular at a bar close to my house. To make a long story short, I ended up hooking up with one of the bartenders. He is older but super hot. He made a few jokes to the other regulars and bartenders about being more than just friends with me which I’m okay with because he is beautiful. He texts occasionally and he always on my social media accounts. Well, last time I went up to the bar.. I got drunk (his fault, free alcohol) I went crazy-girl real HARD. Blowing up his phone like no betch should. I apologized the next day and I never received a response. Do you think I should/ could face him again or is it time for me to find a new bar? Is there a way to redemption?

P.S. Just bought your book! Hopefully that will help me!

Drunk in Love or just drunk..

Dear T-Pain,

Our bad for not having a “guide to hooking up with your regular bartender” chapter in the book. I think we’re missing a few key details: 1) how long has it been since this fiasco? 2) does he work there every night of the week or are there other bartenders there? Okay, so the second question is less important, but still something to consider.

Personally, I would find another bar unless this bar is like, SOOO AMAZING or it’s the only bar within a few mile radius. If you HAVE to go back, make sure you go in a big group and just politely acknowledge the bartender but DON’T be awkward, DON’T bring up your past snafu, and DON’T try to hook up with him again. But really, I would find another bar—one where you don’t hook up any members on staff. Take this as a lesson learned—an expensive lesson, because now you’ll have to actually pay for your drinks.


The Betches

Got a fucked-up problem only the betches can solve? Email us at and you just might get a response. For more hilarious dating advice, buy our new book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, out now!


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