The Betches’ Guide To Hockey Playoff Season

Hockey: the one sport every #157 WGG claims they love and watches religiously because they’re just like so chill, right? Well, for actual betches with boyfriends who scream at the TV louder than our SoulCycle instructors, I asked my dad for some basics, so here’s the low down on what’s actually happening and why every guy you know won’t shave for formal.

Basically, since the beginning of the season, none of the games have mattered because so many teams make it into the playoffs.  There’re even people who don’t start watching until the playoffs begin. They call this period “the second season” and it’s much more interesting to watch because there’s more at stake. This is about when all the betting starts, so don’t expect to be taken out on any dates any time soon. Not that that matters—the players aren’t the only men growing a beard for luck. Considering they couldn’t actually get a spot on the team, your boyfriend, his frat brothers, your dad, and that guy you cheat off of in math aren’t shaving their face until the Stanley Cup’s over so they can feel a kinship with the players.

In order to make it to the Stanley Cup (which, by the way, isn’t code for anything…it’s actually just a huge fucking silver cup), the hot goaltender rules—that’s hockey-speak on how to win.  Besides being really, really ridiculously good looking, having the best goalie is any team’s key to the winner’s circle. The team literally doesn’t even have to be that great, they just need to have a great goalie. So, no, Julie “The Cat” Gaffney doesn’t qualify.

Besides the goalie, the teams have to play, like, too many rounds against each other. The playoff games are pretty notorious for double and triple overtime so if you have to sit through one of these, make sure your phone is charged and that the suite you’re in has plenty of booze. Not to mention, the end of the season isn’t on an exact day. These games can go until the end of May or even the middle of June.

Essentially, there’s no end in sight to the beards and the anger towards big Russian dudes. Get ready.


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