Last night was the 73rd annual Golden Globes, the award show in which every important person in film and TV from the entire year is shoved into an auditorium where Beverly Hills high schoolers host their prom, and proceed to aggressively drink and passive aggressively glare at Ricky Gervais over the course of five hours. In other words, it’s the best night in entertainment of the year.
Despite what any number of offended parties will tell you, this show was positively tame in comparison to years past. Beyond the glaring absence of national treasures Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, Emma Thompson didn’t even show up to toss her Louboutins across the stage while holding a martini, so it honestly hardly ranks in my book.
Rather than detail the list of winners and its possible implications for the rest of award season, we decided to compile all the hilarious, controversial, and downright awkward moments fueled by bottomless Moet and the incestual web that is Hollywood. Enjoy.
Let’s get this out of the way right now: no one was angrier about Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes for the FOURTH time than Ricky Gervais. Nothing was safe from his ire throughout the night, a list of people and organizations including, but not limited to: Caitlyn Jenner, the Catholic Church, NBC, Sean Penn, Ben Affleck, the Hollywood Foreign Press, women who dare to fight for equal pay, and even the Golden Globes themselves.
“You disgusting, pill popping, sexual deviant scum.” –Ricky Gervais speaking to Hollywood’s most notable actors or my mom calling me on Sunday mornings, the world may never know.
As to be expected, Ricky was drunk, offensive, and completely unapologetic about both of those things. To everyone’s shock and disappointment, he only made a single Donald Trump joke all night long. Like, Ricky, come on. Low hanging fruit. You had one job.
Below we’ve listed his most controversial comments of the night, some of which were hilarious and completely warranted (we’re looking at you, Ben Affleck).
In reference to the Best Movie nominated ‘Spotlight’: “The Catholic Church are furious about the film as it exposes that 5 percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it ‘the best date movie ever.”
About the unimportance of Golden Globes: “I won three Golden Globes myself … one I keep by the bed to — it doesn’t matter why, it’s mine. I won it fair and square. It’s just the right shape and size, it’s nothing… yeah. To be clear: That was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes that I’ve won up my ass, and they asked me to host four times.”
While introducing Matt Damon to present: “He’s the only person Ben Affleck hasn’t been unfaithful to.”
Referring to his awkward Golden Gloves history with Mel Gibson: “I’m in the awkward position of having to introduce him again. Listen, I’m sure it’s embarrassing for both of us. I blame NBC for this terrible situation. Mel blames…we know who Mel blames. Listen, I still feel a bit bad for it. Mel’s forgotten all about it apparently, that’s what drinking does. I want to say something nice about Mel before he comes out. So: I’d rather have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight than with Bill Cosby.” Followed by 30 seconds of straight censoring by NBC when Ricky asked Mel, on stage, “What the fuck does sugar tits even mean?”
Discussing Caitlyn Jenner: “I’m going to be nice tonight. I’ve changed — not as much as Bruce Jenner. Obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year she’s had! She became a role model for trans-people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers. But you can’t have everything, can ya? Not at the same time.”
On the wage gap: “Of course woman should be paid the same as men for doing the same job. And I’d like to say now, I’m being paid exactly the same as [Tina and Amy] last year. No, I know there were two of them, but it’s not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That’s their stupid fault. It’s funny because it’s true.”
When introducing America Ferrera and Eva Longoria: “Two people who your future president, Donald Trump, can’t wait to deport.”
His best advice of the night: “Winners, don’t get emotional. No one cares.”
The show started off strong with the first two presenters: Channing Tatum accompanied by Jonah Hill as The Bear from The Revenant. The Bear was super grateful to director Alejandro G. Inarritu for taking a chance on a two year old bear with zero acting experience, and then gives a shoutout to his co-star Leonard. Honestly, it’s worth rewatching.
Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell took the stage in 2016 New Year’s glasses from Party City, and Mark attempted to present an award while Will Ferrell screamed at everyone for being disrespectful. Typical Will Ferrell-style comedy, yet still entertaining to watch.
Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt had a little snit on stage, but honestly none of the dialogue mattered because we were able to stare at this collection of beauty for two straight minutes.Thank you, HFPA.
Eva Longoria and America Ferrera slayed some Latina stereotypes by introducing themselves as not Gina Rodriguez, Eva Mendes, or Rosario Dawson. Somewhere in America, Donald Trump was baffled.
Jim Carrey emerged from whatever cave he’s been living in for the past five years clad with an unfortunate beard and an actually funny monologue about what it’s like being “two-time Golden Globe winner Jim Carrey.” People clamoring for him to host next year are absolutely overreacting, but to be fair the bar has been set pretty low.
Best Award Acceptance
Taraji P. Henson won over our hearts and Leonardo DiCaprio’s stomach by handing out cookies on her way up to accept the award for Best Actress in a Drama Series for her role as Cookie Lyon in Empire. She then told NBC to calm the fuck down because she’d waited twenty years for this moment and was going to take her sweet ass time accepting it. I’m starting to think Cookie is less of a character and more Taraji showing up on set and yelling whatever she likes at Terrence Howard, which makes me love her even more than I previously thought possible.
Worst Award Acceptance
Quentin Tarantino accepted the award for Best Original Score in place of Ennio Morricone, and proceeded to deliver what I’m sure he thought was an honorable speech. Jamie Foxx disagrees. To be fair, Quentin Tarrantino looks like he’s belligerently drunk 100% of the time, so it’s hard to tell whether or not he was sober for this particular faux pas.
Quentin claimed that Ennio was a true artist, belonging amongst the likes of Beethoven and Mozart, which was nice until he deemed the movie score genre in general “ghetto.” As someone who spent what I would assume is an ample amount of time with Quentin while filming Django Unchained, Jamie Foxx has more than earned the right to mock him on live television, which he absolutely proceeded to do. When the camera panned back to him he stared directly into it a la Jim Halper and repeated “ghetto.”
Keeping Up with the Washingtons
Denzel received the honorable Cecil B. Demille award, and his entire family accompanied him on stage to accept it. The banter between him and his wife was adorable but most importantly, his son is crazy hot. Where has Denzel Jr. been hiding? Apparently on Ballers, the HBO show starring The Rock. These two appearances alone are reason alone to begin bingeing it immediately.
Honorable Mention: Oscar Isaac’s Face
You made sitting through Star Wars not once, but TWICE, completely worth it. Thanks for that, buddy. Congrats on your award, and please keep doing whatever you’re doing.