218. Having Like, a Lot of Beverages

One thing a betch should never be is thirsty. We mean both in the literal sense and also I mean like in the way our drug dealer uses it. Which is more meaningful I think.

But for the purposes of this article we mean like being actually thirsty. No self-respecting betch should ever be caught dead with dry mouth, or worse, chapped lips. Chapped lips are the first sign of dehydration, that you once used Proactiv, and that you generally need to get your shit together because there is no excuse for that.

Between #54 iced coffee, #44 Diet Coke, #74 bottled water, and every other liquid we’ve written about on this site, there is no reason a betch should ever be without some form of beverage on hand. After all, betches consume more beverages than actual food. For example if a betch shows up to class or like, the DMV without an iced coffee or green juice at hand you should immediately approach her to ask if everything's okay and if her parents are getting a divorce or something.

Another example is #161 brunch. If you're not ordering a water, iced coffee, an alcoholic brunch beverage (ie bloody mary, belini, mimosa, screw driver, just a shot), AND a diet coke because you're just in the mood for one then you're most likely not a betch. In other words if your waitress gives you dirty looks because there's really nowhere to put the food as there are way too many cups on the table then you're truly doing something right. 

In case you’re super indecisive or just started reading this shit (time to step up it up floser), here’s a brief rundown of our fave drinks.

Iced Coffee: As we’ve discussed, iced coffee is like the little black dress of beverages: perfect for all occasions. Whether it be at work, in class, at brunch, or in the midst of a polar vortex, as long as it’s before 5pm you will not see a betch without her iced coffee. However, no sane person drinks iced coffee after 5 because betches need their beauty rest and if they’re trying to stay up all night for whatever reason the obvious next move is Red Bull and a whole lot of determination.

Bottled water: Betch is hungover af or at the gym. Or hungover AF at the gym. Stainless steel water bottles are for weirdos who went to Middlebury and the only time a betch has ever been caught dead with a Nalgene was on Birthright.

Diet Coke: When you’re at dinner and trying to pretend like that salad you’re eating is actually making you feel full. TG carbonation is more filling than spinach otherwise we might actually have to like eat a wrap or something.

Coconut water: You’re hungover, but also have a masochistic side because why else would you drink something that makes you want to gag, when you’re trying your hardest not to throw up?

Wine: For when you’re trying to act sophisticated, or when you’re spending the night on your couch with Netflix, either one.

Green juice: You’re “doing a week long cleanse” except we all know the second Thursday night rolls around and you’ve had 6 vodka cranberries (which, by the way, are def not what they mean by “juice cleanse”) you’re going to be chin deep in a plate of Steak N Shake.

Vodka soda: The club soda aka water totally counteracts the vodka so you’re guaranteed to wake up with no hangover whatsoever, despite how many you drink. Backed by Science™. Also you don't get (as) fat. 

Vodka splash of cran: For when you have a UTI and refuse to not go out just because you’re on antibiotics and the pharmacist says drinking “isn’t a good idea.”

Red Bull: You just realized you have a 10 page paper due in 3 hours, and your regular Adderall supplier isn’t answering your texts, probably because he too is holing himself up in the first floor of the library where there’s no service.

As the Dos Equis man says, stay thirsty, betches. Except don’t because then you missed the entire point of this.


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