We have to talk about Hamilton. It’s v rare that we freak out over a musical, but this isn’t just a musical, it’s Hamilton. It’s not a secret that Hamilton is one of the biggest sensations to hit Broadway since like, Andrew Lloyd Webber. I mean, in general musical theater nerds are not very betchy, but this musical passes the test for several reasons.
Tickets cost a few hundred, sometimes a thousand to purchase, and chances of winning the Hamilton lottery are lower than getting into Harvard, probably. Basically it’s impossible to see this musical, so naturally betches have seen it.
Sure, you could buy tickets, but chances are more likely that you know someone with tickets. When it comes to watching Hamilton it’s all about who you know, and Hamilton orchestra seats are the new bottle service.
K now that we’ve established the exclusivity factor, let’s talk about the plot. Obvs America has daddy issues because we love talking about our founding fathers. Which is what this entire show is about. Basically, Alexander Hamilton (most notably known today as the bro on the $10 bill) is poor and a writer—not exactly a pro-status combo—but he’s like a hard-working, good-looking dude and manages to win over the Schuyler sisters, who are betchy socialites. He meets them at a party and is like, hey these girls are my key to getting a timeshare in the Hamptons, so yeah, I’ll totally (pretend to) commit to one of them. Later on we find out that Angelica, the oldest sister, totally wanted Hamilton but let her sister Elizabeth marry him because she’s a great big.
Then there’s the whole feud between Aaron Burr and Hamilton. Burr is like the Regina George of baby America. He finished school in 2 years and Hamilton looks up to him like a fresh-faced Cady Heron. But Hamilton quickly surpasses Burr, and Burr is not happy about it.
Meanwhile, politically, a bunch of shit is going down including a little ol’ thing called the Revolutionary War. Jonathan Groff plays King George III (the King of England at the time, if your elementary school Social Studies education failed you). KG3 is like a jealous ex who can’t get over his girl leaving him so he sends fleets of British armed men to try to get America back—you know, like how America had to fight for its independence and all and Britain didn’t just hand it over? Yeah, that.
Anyways, we all know how the war ended. Skip ahead to Hamilton and Burr’s duel, which is like the Pacquiao vs. Mayweather of 1804. The bros duel it out and Burr shoots Hamilton and his wife is all like, “now that you’re dead I’m not mad about you cheating on me anymore” (oh yeah, that happened—if you’ll recall, Hamz was really really ridiculously good-looking).
…And that’s why we all remember Hamilton as an upstanding bro who’s really great at rapping.
After you see this musical you won’t be able to stop yelling “Angelica!” “Eliza!” out of nowhere, you might find yourself working out to the soundtrack, and you def won’t be able to look at $10 bills (on the off chance you have a bill that small) the same. Plus they played Hamilton at the Knicks game so it’s basically Jay Z/Drake status now. Just wait until Halloween and slutty revolutionary-era costumes are all the rage. Honestly, we won’t be mad.