Some of our more astute readers have noticed that occasionally betches are casually hypocritical. As the middle schoolers say, no shit Sherlock. Fucking duh. Free speech is a thing and I’m pretty sure my great great grandfather founded the country on it. I’m not talking about real shit but if I tell you I hate Kendall Jenner for being annoying and then like her photo on Instagram the next day, IDGAF.
There are a few guidelines to using casual hypocrisy in everyday life. Not unlike drugs, you have to know when and where to use if you’re trying to maintain a reputation as someone moderately reliable.
1. The first and possibly most important rule of thumb: don’t be friends with idiots.
If I change my mind about random things all the time, I don’t really want to hear about it. Calling me out won’t make you right. It’ll just make you annoying.
2. Speak very vaguely.
You don’t owe anyone anything and if someone’s parents didn’t teach them not to be nosy, that's no ones fault but their own fucking parents. “Didn’t you say you were super busy this week?” “Actually everything I have in the works right now is really up in the air.” What does that mean? Nothing. You just successfully dodged the question and politely told them to STFU.
3. When things get awkwardly direct, call out anyone who calls you out.
Nothing makes people more uncomfortable than feeling like they’re a try-hard. If you make someone feel like a massive stalker they will back the fuck off, very quickly. “Didn’t you say that you weren’t eating dairy or gluten?” “What are you, stalking me? This isn’t a pizza it’s a flatbread and there’s spinach on it so mind your own fucking business.”
4. Don’t be a hypocrite about legitimate things.
You can change your mind on whether liking One Direction is ironic or sad every day of the week but don’t say you’re gonna be somewhere and not be there. That’s just being rude and a liar. Be hypocritical, not dishonest.
5. An alternative is to be incredibly open about your own hypocrisy.
Announce that you say whatever you want (which should be implied, but whatever) and that no one should take anything that seriously unless they’re dumb or you prefaced a statement with “No, I’m actually serious.” This avoids lots of issues in advance.
Paris Hilton represented the Vote or Die campaign when she wasn’t even registered to vote. Being a hypocrite isn’t a crime, but being annoying about it should be.