Gravity: Betches Love This Movie (Not Really)

I went into Gravity thinking I was going to witness Oscar gold. I heard it was only 91 minutes which sounded perfect because every movie, even ones I love, are all way too long for no reason other than directors are probably obsessed with themselves. Yet somehow this 91 minute excuse to showcase cool galactic effects actually felt longer than like, Lincoln, and that shit was three hours about a fucking amendment.

Based on the crazy trailer I was expecting a really exciting mix between Armageddon and Titanic in space. Nope. All those cool flying and fiery effects from the trailer – that IS the entire movie. Literally a mute person could watch the trailer and explain the whole thing.

I think it could've been really great if anything interesting happened and/or there was more than one funny line (“I hate space”). Halfway through I realized I didn't even know why Sandy and George were in space in the first place other than some producer knew it would make bank. They literally could've used the same script and set it under the sea or like, in my living room and made it about an epic struggle against Time Warner.

I can break down everything that was memorable to me here. (SPOILERS, obviously. Also you won't even get it if you haven't seen it.)

  • Sandy's oxygen levels drained faster than my iPhone battery
  • The only other cast member besides George and Sandy ended up with a face like Gus Fring
  • Fires start every 15 minutes in space just because
  • Space shuttle computers look like they're from 1980, are not always in English, and this whole movie happened because Sandy kept pressing the wrong button
  • George drifting away was the least emotional thing ever. Sandy will let go, Jack.
  • Sandy got fewer cuts and bruises from falling from outer space to earth than I do from a regular night out.

But the worst part of all is that you think you're going to be watching George Clooney, and he basically does play himself (in space). However you can't even see his face because apparently someone thought they should recycle his Buzz Lightyear costume, which just happens to have more coverage than a fucking burka.

So betches, if you can't afford a trip to space with Richard Branson and want to see a movie about nothing, go see Gravity. Even though I was bored out of my mind this shit managed to get a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes, so I guess that makes me the 2%. If you learn anything it'll be that there's a lot of shit floating around in space, like post-its and pens (what year is this?), screwdrivers, fire extinguishers, dead people, retainers. They should've called it No Gravity.


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