Granola: Because Your Greek Yogurt Needs A Topping

Don’t get me started though on the “cool” moms who dedicate their LIVES to make special diet plans and homemade bread/cheese/almond milk/graham crackers etc. for their spawn. I enjoy being selfish too much to do that kind of shit. HOWEVER, there are a few things you should be making at home instead of spending $15/lb on. Save that money for a facial or mani/pedi.

Homemade granola, for example, is easy as fuck to make, lasts nearly forever, and can be used to top Greek yogurt, which we all know is part of a balanced betchy breakfast or drunk brunch. Plus, it just makes you that much more betchy when a tired, constipated bitch at the gym is all, “Want some of my power bar?” and you’re all “No, I only eat homemade organic granola.

  • 4 cups old-fashioned oats (don’t buy the quick cooking kind)
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1 pinch (yes a fucking PINCH) of salt
  • ½ cup chopped nuts (I used almonds and pre-roasted pumpkin seeds)
  • ½ cup dried fruit
  • ½ cup brown sugar
  • ¼ cup honey
  • ¼ cup maple syrup (the REAL kind, not the poor people kind)
  • ¼ cup coconut oil

Preheat the oven to 250F. In a big fucking bowl, combine the oats, cinnamon, salt, nuts, and fruit and mix until everything is incorporated.

Meanwhile, in a medium-size saucepan over medium heat, combine the sugar, honey, syrup and coconut oil. Stir the mixture until the brown sugar is totally dissolved; it WILL bubble and it IS molten-lava hot, so like, keep your hair/nails/hands away. Remove the pan from the heat, then pour the sugar/honey syrup over the oat mixture and stir, making sure every bit is “wet.”

Then, on a foil-lined and greased baking sheet, spread your granola mixture out and press it down slightly. Put it in the oven for an hour and make sure to stir the granola every 15 minutes or so to make sure the oats are evenly baking. Remove from the oven and let the granola cool completely before you start “crumbling” it into pieces. You can store in airtight containers, baggies, idgaf.


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