Gwyneth Paltrow — ultimate spokesperson for the 1% — has done it again. That is, somehow decided to make last year’s Goop Gift Guide look like the cast of Vanderpump Rules. (As in, trash.)
Gwynny — who subsists on making people feel bad for being poor, instead of food — has “rounded up some of the most stunning and appealing gift options around.” But good news! Whether you want to spend $8 or $8,000, there’s something on the list for everyone — which is a sentence that shouldn’t have ever been a sentence, but unfortunately is one now.
Here are some of the guide’s highlights:
World Exploration at the Edge of Space, $90,000
Gwyneth says: “We don’t know how it works, but we want it.” Interestingly enough, that’s exactly what Gwyneth said about food stamps last year. Good thing that turned out well.
Gwyneth says: “Serious design, for taking sex seriously.” I’d like to take a moment to personally apologize to anyone who’s ever fucked Gwyneth Paltrow.
Gwyneth says: “Better than a chip clip.” Calling BS on this right now. Gwyneth Paltrow has never used a chip clip. She only likes this because it looks like a miniature dick guillotine.
Vintage Ball and Chain, $1,500
Gwyneth says: “A one–liner in vintage treasure.” So are these Chris Martin’s ashes or nah?
The Darwin Tank, $1,621.27
Gwyneth says: “Unapologetically awesome. (No clue where you buy the jellyfish though.)” Kill me now or later?
Gwyneth says: “For spying on the neighbors.” Wait, I like these. Creepy, chic. Creepy chic.
Gwyneth says: “Sure you can wear these separately… but why would you want to?” Sweatpants are all that fit her right now!
Hangover Tea, $25
Gwyneth says: “Relief, in a bag.” NOW YOU’RE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE. Finally, a gift that makes some fucking sense.
Ivan Baj Ruby Gemme Vase, $2,900
Gwyneth says: “Murano glass, hand-cut to resemble a brilliant ruby.” Nevermind, we’re back.
Momento Mori Skull Edition with Cumberland Pattern, price upon request.
Gwyneth says: “Nothing like a floral crown to make the macabre beautiful.” Sounds like the unofficial slogan of Coachella. Also, spawns a new memoir title idea for Gwyneth: Beautiful, But Macabre. Macabre, But Beautiful: The True Life Story of Gwynny P. (Out in hard cover, December 2016.)
Selenite Fireplace Logs, $330
Gwyneth says: “These crystal logs look even better than the real thing.” If a crystal tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does Gwyneth Paltrow really exist?
Censer Incense Burner, $820
Gwyneth says: “Smells like Christmas spirit.” If by Christmas spirit, you mean the collective tears of underprivileged youth, then yes! Yes, yes!
Happy fucking Holidays, from the Paltrow family to yours.