So it turns out everyone on this show is a bat shit little perv, some more than others. Cue Adam's masturbation sequence, in which you could clearly see that the apex of his dick aligned horizontally with his headboard, it was like he was stroking a fucking broomstick.
As we saw in the not-sepia toned flashback, they were clearly even sex crazed back in 2007. Four words: Galactic Safe Sex Ball. What is this, Planned Parenthood's futuristic outreach program? Oberlin WOULD, but also Marnie would never go there, she's way too prim and proper. Oberlin is for people with glasses and girls who don't mind walking around with charcoal on their face.
Overall last night's episode told the stories of every character's secret perversion. Marnie gets off to being rejected, Hannah gets off to…she doesn't really, Jessa gets off to knowing she's still got it, and Shoshanna gets off to literally anything.
Hannah: As of last night's sexual harassment/extortionist plots, Hannah's the most sexually driven yet least sexy character ever. We know we say this every week but it's just soooo annoying, she may be sexually frustrated but we're like, wardrobe frustrated. She fucking lovessss wearing those dark opaque tights with those big flowy skirts she bought from the back of Jack Kerouac's van. Also, it's called a hairbrush Hannah and they are sold in all five boroughs even the ones with extra high hipster population density.
Moving past her couture choices, we thought she could've had a breakthrough last week but had a hunch it wasn't going to happen so early in the season. We actually feel sorry that she advanced from delusional to delusional on steroids. I can't fuck my boss because I have a boyfriend…and he touched my face and kissed me and we're basically together now.
Cut to later that day: Okay Rich, I know you want to fuck me…at first I thought it was repulsive, but now I'm game….I'm letting you know that it is okay to act on this fantasy because I am gross and so are you.
Her boss looks like Santa in the off-season.
There's no suing app on your iphone. …Now that's a good idea. Your move in Suing with Friends!
Jessa: Finally we have someone who calls it like it is! Be real, you're sort of flattered by the whole thing, I love sexual harassment, you should hump him.
Where did she find this ex boyfriend of hers? Mary Poppins, the movie? He looks like Curious George's owner. And Gillian is the only name worse than Jillian.
Marnie: The only thing more shocking than Marnie's bangs in 2007 or her wanting a hug from a total stranger whilst tripping, was the fact that she's NEVER been to Charlie's apartment. How is this even possible? I mean….granted they probably would've broken up sooner if she had seen that his bedroom looks like that of a 5-year-old Swede.
We have a theory that Marnie may be a lesbian or at least bi. I mean she says it herself she reallyyy loves Hannah and also HBO needs to fill its quota of homosexuals in supporting roles.
Charlie: Ugh he is such a woman but also like so adorable it's sad, he's like a puppy with floppy ears from one of those commercials where Sarah Maclachlan often sings.
“I deserve honesty and respect because I am an important part of this community.” Ew community, that's a nice guy term if I've ever heard one. And what's with the bunkbed?? But more importantly why is every guy on this show Bob the Builder. They're fucking building shit ALL the time…Charlie in his Ikea room…Adam with his power saw…like why are they all trying to be Jesus… in the carpenter sense.
1. His speech patterns are that of a serial killer. 2. For us the entire jerking off scene was the definition of morbid curiosity. Why did he just decide to go jerk off while she was in the bathroom for what, all of three minutes? Is it possible he was doing this so he wouldn't have to have sex with her…as clearly her charms and round-bottom have proven irresistible in the past. We were actually proud of her for making money off this, a plot which had failed with her boss just hours ago. She's like the little deviant that could. I mean, why take pizza and gum when you can take pizza and high-end gum?
Girls. At this rate the season finale is going to be an unapologetic porn film with a pseudo lesbian surprise.