So earlier this week, Total Sorority Move posted a… blog? article? where one of their contributors, who goes by margsnmems (???), documented a firsthand tale of finding out her fuckboy BF was cheating, then faking an STD and getting him to cop to everything. When I first saw the tagline, I was like oh shit… This is too much. Like, makes the writers of Criminal Minds look mentally stable level of insanity. But by the end, good ol’ margsnmems (I’ll be calling her MnMs from here on out, just fyi) had me wondering if maybe this was the most genius mindfuckery I’d ever witnessed—sorry Stassi.
Here’s the gist:
“If a guy I’m talking to doesn’t surprise me with pizza at least once a month or fails to tell me every 30 minutes how I could basically be Adriana Lima’s twin, then he’s a fucking crazy asshole. No ifs, ands, or buts”
Okay. So we haven’t gotten into the whole to fake or not to fake an STD thing yet, but this kind of sets the tone that MnMs probably isn’t all there. Look… I’m all for convincing a bro to kiss the ground you walk on and whatnot. But any sane person knows you can’t have a monthly pizza and be Adriana Lima’s twin. Fucking duh.
“I had to find out once and for all if Chad was boning Becky with the good hair. So I made a plan. A plan so brilliant, so psychotic, so crazed, that it just might work. Spoiler alert: it did. I faked an STD and blamed it on him to guilt trip him into a confession.”
Now we’re talking. Is pretending to have an STD to coerce your BF into admitting he cheated crazy? Sure. Does it do women any favors with the whole psychotic girlfriend stereotype? Probs not. But there’s something to be said about being self-aware and admitting that you quite possibly crossed the crazy line. Plus, manipulation is betchy (to an extent). Good for you, MnMs.
“I settled for chlamydia. Symptoms of chlamydia include a burning sensation while peeing and bleeding during sex. For about two weeks every time I peed in front of Chad I would wince. As for the blood, I did the dirty with him on my period and swore to hell and back it wasn’t ‘that week’ and had no idea what was going on.”
Alright. Multiple parts of this confuse/alarm me. 1) Why tf are you peeing in front of your BF on a regular basis? I mean, I’m not saying you have to turn on the water every time nature calls, but like, shut the fucking door. 2) Do you honestly think a guy who’s cheating on you is going to be paying close enough attention to notice that you wince while you pee? No. No he is not. 3) I’m no chlamydia expert other than what I learned in Coach Carr’s sex ed class (you will get chlamydia…and die) but I think it’s more of a spotting thing than a full-on cycle. That would scare me into being a renewed virgin. Call me Sean Lowe.
“I asked Chad if he would drop me off at the doctor’s office to get whatever was causing me all this pain figured out.”
Okay I’m confused again. Could you not have just said “Yo I’m going to the doctor because it hurts when I pee, and every time we have sex it looks like a scene from fucking Saw…ttyl” and then just gone somewhere else instead? What did you do at the doctor’s office after he dropped you off? Is there a Soul Cycle or like, a Chipotle nearby to kill the time? I get committing to the lie and all, but I feel like there was an easier way to go about this, but do you.
“‘I have chlamydia,’ I stated bluntly looking him in the eye. His eyes widened. ‘You what?’
‘I know I’ve only had sex with you so I couldn’t have gotten it elsewhere. I won’t be mad. I need you to be honest babe. Have you had sex with anyone else, specifically without a condom?’ I gently prodded. Silence. ‘Chad, this is a big deal. It could affect my ability to have kids when I’m older. Pleaseeeee be honest with me,’ I begged giving him my most innocent doe-eyed look. ‘Oh my God, babe, I’m so sorry. It was just one time and only for a few seconds.. blah blah blah.’ The rest of his apology was drowned out by an intense feeling welling up inside of me. Strangely enough, the feeling wasn’t rage. It was satisfaction. My plan had worked. ‘You fucking idiot,’ I said before calmly picking up my purse and walking out the door.”
Not gonna lie, I started grinning at my computer like an idiot when MnMs nailed her lying sack of shit boyfriend to the wall. I love when a liar gets out-lied. I love it even more when a girl leaves a lying sack of shit boyfriend in the dust. #whoruntheworld
“The moral of this story is that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you hack his Facebook to read his DMs or go so far as to kill his dog. As long as you have ‘good reason,’ any amount of crazy girlfriend psychopathy is always justifiable.”
And just when I was starting to believe MnMs wasn’t insane, she drops a bat-shit bomb like puppy murder. You think that’s justifiable? Hate to break it to ya, MnMs, but the law and pretty much anyone with the slightest remnants of a conscience would beg to differ.
Verdict: MnMs is definitely crazy. I was on the fence when she was just faking STDs, but as soon as she described dog homicide as “justifiable,” I came to my senses and realized MnMs is a special kind of nuts. But I’m still glad The Chad got duped. Sue me.