Head Pro is actually quite fond of the movie Beetlejuice. Send your questions for him to firstname.lastname@example.org, follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @betchesheadpro, and read more of his musings in our second book.
Dear head pro,
I met up with a guy I matched with on tinder and was immediately swept off my feet. We went out for drinks on Saturday and I had a few too many and ended up sleeping at his place. We didn’t have sex, but fooled around a little. Enough to learn he could possibly have a micro-penis. He took me to breakfast the next day, held my hand as we walked, and even invited me back to his place after. It was fun and we were hitting it off. I thought things ended really well, with the exception of my makeup and hair looking like beetle juice at breakfast and the loss of self respect because I stayed overnight with him on our first date.
I didn’t hear from him after so I decided to text him (minus points I know) on Tuesday. He only responded once and was short with me. I start to become devastated because I feel like I ruined whatever potential we had, but then he texted me on Friday. “How’s your day going?” I responded and never heard from him again. WTF??
Question 1: he also told me he was a virgin which could have been a complete lie, but is it possible that he is embarrassed of his size and that’s why he went ghost?
Question 2: did I completely ruin my chances by drinking too much and not going home that night?
Question 3: is he just not that into me? :/ p.s. We were texting every single day for a week before the date, so clearly it’s not that he isn’t a fan of texting.
I will never cease to be amazed by people’s ability to overanalyze a fucking tinder date. Like, it’s this person you’ve met once—who may as well be an automated sex bot for all you know, until you meet them—and after a standard fun-sounding/slightly strange date you’re all “oh shit, did I use the ‘100’ emoji too many times???” Look: Texting, specifically one text, has never scared off someone who actually likes you, and thinking that is an exercise in self-delusion. Like, how does that even make sense? As for your questions…
1: I don’t think anyone would lie about being a virgin. Like, that’s not very good game. I suppose being self-conscious about his small dick could lead to some psychological issues that would cause him to back away, but he not only let you see/touch it, he hung around with you the next day. So that’s probably not it.
2: No, and I’m so sick of this. The Betches and I explain this to the point of exhaustion in our cool and good bestselling book, but sleeping (and especially not just staying over) with a guy “too soon” does NOT flip some switch in his brain that makes him view you as a one-and-done whore. If he likes you, he’ll take you on another date and sleep with you again. If he doesn’t, you weren’t getting a second date either way, but thanks for the sex.
3. Probably not. I don’t care how much he texted before you met in person; that doesn’t matter now.
So yeah, he’s prob only like, half interested. It was one goddamned date. You’ll be ok.
Dear Head Pro,
Fasten your seatbelt and open some chard because this is a twisty one.
SO my boyfriend of four years broke up with me about two months before our college graduation. After my two weeks of crying and eating pints of Halo Top like it was my actual job, I managed to get my life together, put on some heels and go to the club. After about nine vodka sodas and getting in a screaming match with my ex, I went in the bathroom and fixed my face and headed back to the dance floor. I saw a friend of a friend who is known for having a truly top notch penis and went for the kill. Fast forward to graduation night, and Mr. Big (dick) and I are still hooking up, except here’s the awful part: we were also staying up until sunrise laughing and talking, like three nights a week. Not the goal.
Now I’m moving home to the suburbs and he’s moving into the city, so we’ll still only be about 25 minutes apart. Do I bother trying to make this into a thing? Should I wait for him to make a move? Should I just go jump off a bridge now in case he’s actually my soul mate and this is the worst timing imaginable? Please save me.
Vodka made me do it
OH NOES!!!1 You convinced a man (who fucks so much that he has a reputation for it) to have sex with you, and now you’re experiencing something totally unique and not at all endemic to the human experience! And now you live a whole 25 minutes apart! However will you survive!?!?!?
Look. The end of college is a lot like the beginning of college in that none of the bullshit you do counts for anything because you’re in completely uncharted territory. It’s easy, shockingly so, to “bond” with people over your “shared experiences” because at this point, you only really have one thing in common: you fucked around at college for four years, and now that time has come to an end.
The point is, there’s no need to freak out and try to predict the future, because it’s impossible to accurately ascertain the authenticity of anything you’re experiencing right now. For instance, regardless of how much you liked someone, would you still spend three nights a week staying up until sunrise when you actually had school to worry about? I think not.
So don’t worry about the certainty of something that’s already uncertain. 25 minutes is not that far, and I’m assuming you’ll be in “The City” (which must mean New York, because only self-centered New Yorkers call it that) pretty often, because being an adult living with your parents in the suburbs sucks donkey balls. That’s plenty of opportunity to carry on whatever unsubstantiated thing you’ve got going right now. Just chill, stay in touch, see what happens and above all, do your level best to pretend to be a normal person.
Head Pro is actually quite fond of the movie Beetlejuice. Send your questions for him to email@example.com, follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @betchesheadpro, and just go buy our new book already. You know you want to.