How Do I Get My Ex To Want Me Back? Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

My ex boyfriend I dated for a year and a half and even made it through long distance our freshman year of college, until May when he decided he wanted to be single. Not to sound pathetic but I miss him, and it’s been awhile. We’ve talked and hung out a bit but haven’t spoken since he left for school in August…we got in a fight and I guess are on bad terms??? I miss him, and would love for him to realize he wants to be with me again. I’m not sure what I’d do but i think about him a lot and at least want the option. What do i do??!
SOS, Please send help, and a bottle of champagne.

Ann Perkins!!

I would feel bad being harsh when you’re clearly in a vulnerable place…but I don’t have feelings. One of two scenarios is happening here: either I have clearly missed something, or you are very, very deep in denial. You and your ex broke up, then you got in a fight after you were already broken up, and now it’s just dawning on you that you’re not on the best of terms?? No shit, you’re not together anymore. What do you think happens when one person in a relationship decides they want to be single? It’s called a break up. I am positive this is what has happened to you.

If you want your ex to come crawling back to you, you need to pull yourself together and quit pining over him. (To be clear, you’re allowed to mourn your breakup, you just can’t do it where anyone can see). Get your besties together, get that metaphorical bottle of champagne I sent you, now make it a literal bottle, and dress up like a slut and go out. Meet new people. Do fun shit. Post about it sometimes, but not so often that it’s obvious or annoying. What I’m saying is, nobody’s going to look at the girl who’s been glued to Netflix for a month and eating a diet consisting of only Halloween candy and think, “Wow, I really miss her. I need to win her back.” That’s not how it works. But if your ex sees you out and about, living it up, not giving a fuck about his sorry ass, he might realize he fucked up. He might not though. But even if he doesn’t, you’re already putting yourself in a better position than you would be if you’d never left the couch. Funny how that works.

Oh, also, stop hanging out with him. That should go without saying.

Now put down the chocolate,

The Betches

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