After the excitement of last week, last night’s episode of Game of Thrones seemed relatively tame. However, what it lacked in patricide and rebellion it made up for in Stark family dramz. Rickon is back (albeit not in great hands), we get a peak at young Ned and the beginning of the unraveling of a fan theory long in the works, and Arya finally gets a fucking win. I just have one question for the show runners:
Where. Is. Daario.
The episode opens on Davos staring bewildered at a very alive and very naked Jon Snow. There is no tiny loincloth to preserve any of the poor kid’s modesty and he’s really not reacting well to the whole “being forced to be alive” thing. Same.
Melisandre walks back in, equally shocked that she managed to pull this off, and instantly starts petting Jon’s face and asking about the afterlife. You literally just spent twenty minutes rubbing the guy’s naked body. Control the thirst, hun.
Davos: What do you remember?
Jon: Olly is a fake ass bitch.
Jon confirms for a very tense room that there is no afterlife. It would appear that death has not made him any less of a buzzkill.
Davos in his role of Sandy Cohen of the Wall has me feeling some type of way. While Jon sits there in utter shock with some valid questions like “Why am I alive?” Davos just keeps telling him it doesn’t matter, as long as he makes the most of it.
Jon’s return to the Wildling and Night’s Watch packed courtyard:
Tormond informs Jon that, while all the other Wildlings may think he’s a God now, he hasn’t been swayed because he saw Jon’s tiny dick while he was laid out on that table. Sometimes I can’t with this show. The sudden and aggressive spurts of bro-ism are so disorienting.
The Adventures of Sam and Gilly
Have you spent the last year of hiatus wondering about the whereabouts of good old Sam and Gilly? Me either, and yet they’re going to tell us anyways. En route to the Citadel, Gilly is learning the miracle of homophones while Jon repeatedly pukes into a bucket. So, literally nothing has changed.
Sam uses his breaks between vomming to inform Gilly that the Citadel doesn’t accept women, so he’s dropping her off at his family’s home for safekeeping along the way. Quick reminder that Sam literally chose going to the Wall over having to live with his asshole of a father, so I’m sure this is going to be a heartfelt reunion.
The Tower of Joy
Once again in a vision with the three eyed raven, Brann lands at the Tower of Joy just in time to see a young Ned Stark, still rocking the same unfortunate haircut as old Ned, roll up with Meera’s dad and a crew of soldiers.
The internet has spent the last two years or so obsessing over the R + L = J theory, which, in short, predicts that Jon isn’t actually Ned’s bastard, but the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. It’s believed that Lyanna’s dying wish was that Ned promise to tell no one in order to protect Jon and proceed to raise the baby as his own. There was a whole lot of allusion to Jon’s Targaryen heritage last season, and you can read all about it just about anywhere online. This scene is the beginning of that story, and odds are the theory is accurate.
Back to the flashback: war is over and the Mad King and Rhaegar are both dead. Ned has arrived at the Tower of Joy to rescue his sister, whose “kidnapping” by Rhaegar effectively started the war. Before he can do that, he has two fight two remaining members of the Kingsgaurd, who seem unphased by the fact that their side has already lost. One of these guys was Ser Arthur Dayne, and he was a big fucking deal in the fighting world. The dude fights with two swords, so you know he means business and definitely isn’t compensating for anything.
Dayne manages to take down all of Ned’s friends, but this was before being a Stark was an absolute death sentence so our boy Ned comes out on top. However, unlike the story Brann has heard his entire life, Ned only won because Meera’s father stabbed Dayne in the back. In a world where rape, rebellion, and murder are all “meh” offenses, this is a big no-no.
The sound of a baby crying has young Ned running up the stairs of the tower and Brann tries to follow but is stopped by the Three Eyed Raven. He throws a bit of a fit about having to go back to real life where he’s still a cripple hanging out in a tree with an old guy, but the Raven has some Mr. Miyagi lessons up his sleeve.
The Real Housewives of the Dothraki
Danaerys has arrived at the Dosh Khaleen, the hut that all Khal widows are banished to to live out their lives not being raped and talking shit about men. Honestly, this seems like a pretty ideal setup. Her clothes are immediately ripped off because even though these may be women, they are still Dothraki and that seems to be a trend.
The HBIC of the widows, previously wife of Khal Savo, is having none of Dany’s “Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains” nonsense and tells her that she’ll get to stay with them at the Dosh Khaleen if she’s lucky. Apparently all the Khals have come together in some kind of conference to decide which cities to sack and how to deal with “Khal Drogo’s silver haired widow” who broke the rules by continuing to have a life and building an empire after her husband died. The nerve of some women.
Varys, the biggest queen in Westeros, is hanging in the throne room and lamenting the insufferable heat while he interrogates a whore named Vala. She’s been working with the Sons of the Harpy to murder the Unsullied who come in and pay her to cuddle with them. If I were a prostitute, that’s not the customer base I would want to be depleting, but whatever.
Varys offers her free passage to Pentos for her and her son in exchange for some information about the Sons of Harpy. Vala doesn’t seem like an idiot, so she takes him up on it.
Meanwhile, Tyrion manages to be third wheel of the year to Missandei and Grey Worm, a role that a lifetime as the youngest sibling of a pair of incestuous twins has more than adequately prepared him for. At one point things are so tense and uncomfortable that Tyrion suggests a drinking game, which as everyone knows is the only conceivable way to pass time with people you can’t stand otherwise.
Tyrion: What do you guys do when I’m not around?
Grey Worm: …
Missandei: Not have sex, I’ll tell you that much.
Varys finally shows up, to everyone’s relief, with information about who’s funding the Sons of the Harpy: the Masters of Astapor, Yunkai and Volantis. These are three very wealthy cities, which poses a lot of problems for Team Danaerys. In a rare bout of emotion, Missandei wants to dead-ass kill them all. Tyrion, of course, has a subtler plan in mind.
Missandei: The Masters understand one language, and it’s murder.
Tyrion: Where was this personality twenty minutes ago when I was scrambling for literally ANYTHING to talk about.
The Petty Council
Maester Qyburn, the most philanthropic mad scientist in King’s Landing, is holding court amongst a bunch of orphans who previously served as Varys’ “little birds.” It would appear that he has adopted them for his own cause, AKA the Cersei Redemption Tour 2K16. Also, does anyone else not trust this man around children? Just me? Chill.
Jaime, Cersei and the Frankenguard arrive for a quick strategy sesh about the demise of the Sparrows. Cersei wants their new little birds everywhere: Dorne, the North, Highgarden. Literally anywhere her enemies could be talking shit so she can write it all down in her burn book, hand it to her monster bodyguard, and watch while he smashes their skulls into a wall.
Next on their itinerary, Cersei and Jaime feat. Frankengaurd crash the small council meeting, where Maester Pycelle is talking mad shit about the man formerly known as the Mountain. Have fun having your brains sprayed all over an alleyway, bud.
Uncle Kevan, who is the least Lannister-y of all the Lannisters, is not happy to see his neice and nephew and their monstrosity of a guard. He demands that they leave as neither of them actually have a seat on the small council, even though Lady Tyrell is there.
Cersei: The queen gets to do whatever the fuck she wants.
Lady Tyrell: You are not the queen, as you are not married to the current king, who happens to be your son. I know the distinction is confusing for you Lannisters but that’s kinda how it works.
Jaime reminds everyone that as the Head of the King’s Guard, he most definitely has a position in the small council, and he and Cersei make themselves comfortable. While their relationship is unnatural and creepy, I love the Lannister twins together, taking no shit.
The actual members of the small council get up and walk out in protest, refusing to even recognize that Myrcella was murdered by a rebel faction of another country. You’ll get ‘em next time, Wonder Twins.
Tommen, fresh from his balls finally dropping, goes to confront the Sparrow about his treatment of Cersei. Apparently she hasn’t finished atoning for her sins, because I guess walking naked through your city while people throw actual shit at you isn’t enough to negate fucking your brother for your entire life.
The High Sparrow feeds Tommen some sappy nonsense about how Cersei’s love for him is based divine in its own right and that even he is jealous of it. His speech about eliciting goodness out of each other completely extinguishes the small fire that Tommen had managed to work up, and the argument is pretty much squashed. Clearly his Joffrey lessons haven’t stuck yet.
The House of Kicking Ass and Taking Names
Arya is in back The House of Black and White to continue her “no one” training with the waif. Their relationship appears to have moved on from blind hatred (pun for sure intended) to barely suppressed resentment, so progress is being made.
The waif asks her to talk about all the painful details her past life as Arya Stark: her dead and scattered family, her complicated relationship with the Hound, and all the people on her death list. Arya complies, but does it all in third person since she is no one now.
Waif: Arya Stark sounds confused.
Arya: Arya Stark sounds like she suffered more in five years than most people do in a lifetime, thanks.
The waif heavily implies that Arya is purposely leaving some people off the recounting of her list and Arya responds by finally beating her in their stick-sparring game. Jaqen watches from a corner, pleased and probably aroused.
He again offers Arya her eyesight back in exchange for her name, but she doesn’t fall for his tricks. Then he gives her a cup of water from the death fountain and says that if she’s truly no one, she has nothing to fear from drinking it. She does, and then her eyes are miraculously normal again THANK GOD.
It seems like her transformation into no one is complete, but I’m hoping it’s all a ruse to lull the No Ones into a false sense of security before she goes full Red Wedding on the House of Black and White. Arya Stark sends her fucking regards.
Ramsey and Lord Karstark are interviewing Lord Umber, trying to feel out where his loyalties lie. It is very reminiscent of the tryout scene in Bring It On, and Umber is for sure Missy.
The Umbers are a Northern family who are notoriously loyal to the Starks and turned down the Boltons the first time they came around looking for supporters. It would appear, however, that they’ve had a change of heart.
Umber: Your father was a cunt.
Ramsey: You are not wrong.
Lord Umber is the realest fucker in the North. He has zero qualms about talking to Ramsey like the piece of shit that he is, and his liberal use of the word fuck makes me thing we would get along well. He’s only deigning to cooperate with the Boltons in exchange for help in taking down Jon Snow’s wildling army. It’s a tenuous relationship at best.
Ramsey: Kiss my hand.
Ramsey: Kneel before me.
Ramsey: Your attitude is going to be an issue.
But Lord Umber does offer something up to prove his loyalty: a gift, in the form of Asha and Rickon, who is no longer five years old and might actually be capable of speaking now. Ramsey is skeptical because there have been fake Rickons paraded around Winterfell before, but Umber verifies his peace offering by tossing a severed dire wolf head onto the table. This seems like some unfortunate foreshadowing, if you ask me.
So now Ramsey’s got another Stark in his grasp, a new lady friend to psychologically and physically torture, and a new ally to boot. A banner day for no one’s favorite sociopath.
Jon Snow Out
Back at the Wall, the time has come for Jon to execute all the traitors who killed him. There are only four of them up there, but I feel like he got stabbed a lot more times than that.
Thorne died the way he lived: completely unapologetic for any of his actions. He fails to even be remotely impressed by the fact that Jon came back to fucking life, further cementing the kid’s deep seeded daddy issues. Ser Allister straight up tells Jon that if he had to do it all over he wouldn’t change a thing. Like, I fucking hate him, but respect.
After some tense eye contact with Olly (who also doesn’t seem incredibly moved by the fact that a guy that he stabbed in the heart is no longer dead) and a whole lot of brooding, Jon cuts the rope and hangs them all. After ensuring that everyone is dead, he walks over to his friend whose name I will definitely figure out one of these days and passes over his Lord Commander cloak and effectively his title. He then announces to the very quiet courtyard that his own watch has ended and storms out.
I will never get over his dramatic, extra ass. Now please get to Winterfell and wreck shit.
Betch of the Week: Alliser Thorne
Unrelenting in his opinion even in the face of death, Thorne’s knack for inspiring fear with a single withering look was absolute #goals. While your methods were shady af, your motives stemmed from an honorable place and we can respect that. Most importantly, your unfailing ability to not give a single fuck was something that we’ll all spend the rest of our lives striving to achieve.