Game Of Thrones Recap: Never Trust A Teenager

Another week of Game of Thrones AKA sad family reunions came and went. After the emotional rollercoaster of last week, this week’s episode almost seemed kind. A lot of running away happened, so we’re going to go ahead and call this the angsty teenager episode. Good for Sam for sticking up to his shitty dad, but everyone knows when you run away from home you don’t take your parents credit card, or in this case, the magic Valyrian sword.

Okay, so we start off back with Bran and Meera still running through the godforsaken snowy forest. A hooded figure rides in and saves them and they’re like, wtf where did you come from? It’s Uncle Benjen, but he’s all mysterious, even though he just reveals himself later so it’s really not clear why he doesn’t tell them he’s their uncle right off the bat. Benjen’s been missing for a while, but he obvs knows more than Bran about what’s going on with the 3 Eyed Raven, so it’s a good thing they found each other. How convenient.

Why You Should Always Bring Something When You Meet The Parents

Back in Horn Hill, Gilly and Samwell stop by to see the Tarly family. Ah, the family that sent Samwell to the wall, should be a touching reunion. I wonder why he didn’t get the warm welcome he was hoping for? Gilly is all nervous because she’s meeting his parents for the first time. It’s stressful enough meeting your boyfriend’s parents but then also having to be like, oh yeah, we have a baby together and also your dad hates my people with a fiery passion.

Samwell: This is my girlfriend Gilly.
Samwell’s mom: You’re like, really pretty.
Samwell’s sister: You want to borrow my dress?
Gilly: Should I have brought some wine? All I have is this baby.

Then they sit through an awkward dinner, which is this show’s favorite thing to do besides killing characters we love. Samwell’s brother, AKA Adam Cromwell from Unreal, is clearly doing better and being kind of a dick about it. Their dad is not happy to see that Sam’s still fat and he disowns him for marrying a wildling. Sam’s tougher than he seems, though, so he grabs his baby and Gilly and is like, “yo let’s sneak out” and they get TF out of there.

King’s Landing

The Boy King confronts the High Sparrow to tell him he really doesn’t think it’s a good idea to parade Margaery around the town naked.

Tommen: Yo, so I was thinking it’s chill you want Margaery to atone and all, but it sounds dangerous.
High Sparrow: Well, she’s kind of asking for it.
Tommen: That’s victim blaming.

High Sparrow lets Tommen see Margaery, who suddenly is all playing into High Sparrow’s plan. Whether or not she’s being legit (prob not, we hope) is still up in the air, but like your sorority sister that came back from her spring break trip building houses in Africa, she claims she’s like “changed” for the better. She says that she was all about doing good just for show before, which is probably the only reason some people do philanthropy anyways, but does it really matter if good’s getting done?

Jaime Lannister and Lady Olenna show up when High Sparrow is about to parade Margaery around the city streets to be like, “hold up ladies now let’s get in formation” except instead of killing the High Sparrow and rescuing Margarey and Tommen like they planned, the High Sparrow, in a very Blair Waldorf move, once again outwits everyone else. Looks like Jaime Lannister is fucked and not in a good way.

A Girl Can’t Take A Compliment

Meanwhile, Arya is not-at-all subtly watching the play about her family again. Someone should tell her that when you want to be inconspicuous, you probably shouldn’t stand in the front row. At least do your stalking from a corner if you must. She sneaks backstage and casually slips some poison into the lead actress’ drink, and not surprisingly we discover that the Sansa actress is trying to kill the Cersei actress for her role. Hm, sounds like art imitates life.

Fake Cersei: What’s your name?
Fake Cersei: Okay…

Anyways, Fake Cersei teaches us that if you compliment someone you can get anything you want. Poor nicegirl Arya doesn’t go through with the poison because Fake Cersei tells her she has nice eyebrows (lol) and has to run away from the house of many faces instead of getting in trouble back at home with Jesus hair.

All Looks Bleak in Riverrun

Grandpa, aka Walder Frey, yells at his guys for a while and when they say they don’t want to fight anymore because they don’t have any more men, he’s like remember the Red Wedding? Not only is he reminding everyone in the room, but he’s also reminding the audience members. It’s like the showrunners heard our cries of “eh” about this season and want us to remember we were all surprised by the show once. They release Edmure to set up for some sort of baiting of Blackfish in episodes to come.

Dany is Still Mother of Dragons

So in case you all forgot, Dany is still the mother of dragons. She leads her men to a mountain and then is like, hang on a moment. And like any guy that knows “I’ll be right out” never means that, Daario is like, oh boy here we go. You might as well crack open a beer and watch the rest of the game. But just like when you make a guy wait while you get ready to go out, it’s always worth the wait. Dany comes back on a Drogon and everyone’s like, “wow you look really great tonight.”

Danaerys gives a super on-the-nose speech about how she’s the best and wants everyone to follow her into war. Honestly we’re starting to wonder if Dany is a little insecure because she’s always trying to prove she deserves her army. Like yes, they are already following you. But just in case, she wants to remind them with her dragon that they are lucky to have her as their leader. And honestly they probably are. But chill out, we get it.

Anyways, that’s where the episode decided to end, so we’ll just have to wait until next week to see what happens. Not a lot of deaths in this episode, but we did learn that teenagers can never be trusted.


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