Today was the first day of fall, or at least it was in an astrological sense. Fall really starts September 1 by every other meaningful nature, and yet people wet themselves every year when we happen to have equal parts daylight and darkness. If you don’t already see where I’m going with this, let me make it clear:
Fuck fall. Fall sucks and is a shitty time of year.
People (mostly women, but I have male friends who do this too) embrace fall in no small part because they “have more clothes to choose from” and “get to” wear different outfits. Psh. What clothes do we really need in summer besides those we were born with, that we only partially cover because of “rules” and “decency?” What’s better, the sight of sweat glistening off of supple, alert, nubile skin, or a cable knit sweater?
Fuck fall. No one ever got laid because it was finally cold enough to wear boots.
I’m sorry to say, but pumpkin-flavored shit sucks. Have you ever eaten an actual pumpkin? No, because you are not a horse. People don’t eat pumpkins, because pumpkins are fibrous and bland. “Oh, mew mew mew, but what about pumpkin pie,” you ask? Fine, you’ve identified the one fall edible.
But you know what summer has? Ketchup. Can’t have a ketchup pie, you say? Well first of all, pizza, but imagine getting, say, a basket of freshly cooked french fries on the boardwalk or a sunny outdoor bar, and then covering them with light (but adequate) streaks of ketchup. Does that not sound like ketchup pie to you? Guess you’ll have to see for yourself. Oh wait, you can’t, because it’s fucking fall and it’s already too cold in some places for boardwalks and outdoor bars.
Fuck fall. It’s the only season haughty enough to have two names—”autumn.” Autumn is the name of a girl I went to school with who was a total smokeshow, but now she has kids and isn’t hot anymore. That’s what fall does to people, in a nutshell.
People also get excited about fall because it’s “not so hot anymore,” which is ludicrous. Human being literally walked out of Africa, which is way hotter than where you live, let me tell you. Besides, we have air conditioning now. When you come into the air conditioning from a hot, humid day, the cool dry air evaporates your sweat and gives you goosebumps in a way that feels a lot like an orgasm (if you’re not already having one, because it’s summer, when everyone wants to have sex).
But when you walk into a heated room from the cold? You go from cold, dry air to warm, dry air that might not even be all that warm because $5 says your significant other and/or mom keeps the thermostat at like, 67 degrees to save money on the heat bill.
Fuck fall, it can eat my asshole. And not in a sexy foreplay way, either. It can just do it and leave. No, you can’t use my toothbrush, either.
If you want to get really philosophical about it, the idea is that we embrace fall because it’s the harvest season, and because winter is coming when everything dies. That’s not quite right, though. People don’t fear death as much as they fear the act of dying. Death doesn’t hurt, but dying sure can. This is how shitty fall is: it found a way to make winter look good, which is really something.
Fuck fall. Bring back summer.
Head Pro tolerates dissent and can be reached at email@example.com and on Instagram at @betchesheadpro.