So my boyfriend has this friend, a girl, who is straight up in love with him. The thing is she’s also kind of my friend, or like acquaintance…we’re in the same group.
Anyway, I know before we got together she was trying to hook up with him, and that even after we just started hooking up, she had sex with him while he was basically blackout. I was still hooking up with other people too so I wasn’t mad at him, but it was kind of bitchy of her to do that considering we’re supposed to be friends. After that happened I asked if she had feelings for him because at that time I didn’t, and I would have backed off for our friendship, she insisted she didn’t so I continued to hook up with him and like him more and more.
Now, even as my boyfriend she is just WAY too flirty with him, (always touches him, and talks to him alone at parties, and like tries to get meals and stuff with him) and she uses their friendship as an excuse. I’ve told him how I feel and he doesn’t see it, but he still believes me and does little things while she’s around (and not around) so that I have no doubts about his feelings. I understand I can’t control anyone else’s actions and can just focus on my own reactions, but how do I even fucking react? It just basically irritates me to no end and even if I can’t get her to stop, I just want to deal with it in a sane way.
“(Ex) Boyfriends, are just off limits to friends” …I thought.
While I’m flattered that you basically quoted my own advice back to me, this situation is different than that Facebook betch a while back. This is a real person who is threatening your relationship IRL (and possibly actively trying to sabotage it). So whether your BF sees it or not, it needs to be addressed.
Your concerns are totally valid, and you need to sit your boyfriend down and establish clear-cut boundaries. It’s cool that he does “little things” when your “friend” is around, but he really needs to be doing more. For instance, when she tries to be flirty with him he should be immediately shutting her down in a direct way and not just like, being extra affectionate with you in her presence to compensate (just extrapolating here). Essentially you need to sit your BF down and say straight-up: “Your friendship with [name] makes me uncomfortable. I feel it’s inappropriate and disrespectful to our relationship when you two do/when she does [insert iffy stuff here].” If he’s a good boyfriend he will ask you what he can do to make him more comfortable, but even if he doesn’t, you’ll tell him. This is where you lay out your boundaries and be honest—I can’t tell you what your boundaries are, so don’t go into this conversation unprepared. This is not where you try to act like the Cool Girlfriend and pretend like it doesn’t bother you when they go out to dinner and go off by themselves at parties. If you lie to yourself, you’ll only suffer more in the long-run.
If he tries to deny that their friendship is at all weird, or tries to turn it back on you and accuse you of being jealous, controlling, reading too far into things, etc. RUN. This is a form of gaslighting and that is a sign that a) he is shitty and b) he cares more about his friendship with some girl who may have sexually assaulted him (but that’s another can of worms I’m not opening rn) than he cares about you, his girlfriend, being secure and comfortable in your relationship, and that is not someone you want to be with. I hope that doesn’t happen, but I just want to prepare you for the possibility (aka, I don’t want to have to write the follow-up so I’m just going to kill two birds with one stone). And while you’re at it, you should establish explicit boundaries for friends of the opposite sex in general for the both of you, so this issue hopefully doesn’t come up again.
You can also try to talk to your “friend” and ask her to back off. I doubt it will do any good since she doesn’t seem like she actually gives a shit about you, but at least you can say you tried. Also, stop being her friend.
We should totally just stab Caesar,
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