It would be a gross understatement to say that Frank Ocean’s second album and follow up to 2012’s Channel Orange was highly anticipated. People have been collectively losing their shit for the past year as Frank continued to delay release dates and outright lie to his avid listeners. But now, everyone can calm down. His second album is finally fucking available. Though the album had gone by the moniker Boys Don’t Cry while it was still under wraps, it’s now called Blonde (on the digital version, on the CD it’s called Blond), and is about me. Or I guess it could be about some other blonde? IDK, but that would be weird.
Anyway, it has 17 tracks featuring Beyoncé, Kanye West, Pharell, Tyler The Creator, James Blake, Kendrick Lamar, and Andre 3000. As if anyone was worried, Frank didn’t disappoint us. Sure, he disappeared for years and kept promising us things that he didn’t deliver, and then, just when you thought he didn’t love you anymore, he finally came through. I guess you could say I love Frank like a father.
You’re not going to find any top 50 bullshit songs here—it’s fucking Frank Ocean—so there’s none of the the typical pop/R&B hooks us common folk are used to on this album. But, if you’re interested in good music, here’s a basic gist of all the songs and the different ways they’ll make you want to have sex. You knew I was headed there. It’s fucking Frank Ocean.
Nikes: Made me want to have sex with Nikes on. Note to self: need to get someone to buy me Nikes first.
Ivy: Made me want to have sex with Poison Ivy from Batman, while reaaaaalllllly high. Like, high enough to believe that my boyfriend was Poison Ivy from Batman even though he’s a super boring accountant from Oregon.
Pink + White: Made me want to have sex with Beyoncé. Then again, most songs have me feeling that type of way.
Be Yourself: Didn’t really make me want to have sex because it’s not a song and is instead Frank Ocean’s mom talking about how evil drugs are.
Solo: Made me want to have solo sex, obviously.
Skyline To: I want to have sex when the sun rises with this one! Which is so weird because I have a strict “wake up no earlier than 11 am” policy.
Self Control: Made me want to live an ascetic lifestyle and never have sex again. SIKE!
Good Guy: Frank kept saying “Good Guy” so I really actually don’t want to have sex to this one because nothing turns me off more than people being nice to me. Thanks, dad!
Nights: Made me want to have sex in the afternoon.
Solo (Reprise): Sex with me again!
Pretty Sweet: Sex without you again!
Facebook Story: Made me want to have sex so I can post about it on Facebook and weird everyone out.
Close to You: Wait…are you supposed to have sex with people you actually love and respect?
White Ferrari: Made me want to find someone who has a white Ferrari so I can mock their pretension, and then NOT have sex with them, and then steal their car! And then come back and have sex with them while we laugh together about the whole ordeal.
Seigfried: Made me me want to have sex with Amanda Seyfried. Am I gay now?
Godspeed: I’d like this one to have sex with me.
Futura Free: Made me want to listen to the album again, but this time, while actually having sex and not just writing about it like some weirdo sitting alone in her room typing on a computer questioning her “line of work.”