158. Foreign Bros

Name: Foreign Bro

Age: Legal to drink in my country

Location: Club tables

Current Relationship Status: Always single

Current BBM Status: “NYC for the weekend”

Likes: Studying abroad, clubbing, pointed loafers, knowing more Avicii than you, other foreign bros, Camel Blues

Dislikes: Being called English Second Language (ESL)!!! Jajajaja

Some people think I’m: Gay or sell men’s cologne

From our manicurists to our handbags, betches fucking love imports, and foreign bros are no exception. Not to be confused with the local rando you hooked up with while studying abroad, the foreign bro we’re talking about is having his own study abroad experience… on your college campus. He may have even graduated to foreign pro and decided to stick around to stimulate our economy interest by getting a job, usually in something like finance/anything involving numbers and not requiring complete fluency in English.

Think you know one? Careful. The foreign bro has a certain je ne sais quoi, which basically means, not every Asian kid in your Macro lecture. He typically exhibits qualities of the Maybe Gay Bro by walking the fine line between foreign and flamboyant: he owns more Burberry outerwear than we do, he’s up for shopping, he’s down for sushi, he laughs at the idea of waiting in a club line, he agrees with us on the superiority of vodka, he’s the first to suggest taking a taxi, he calls us “babe” and best of all, he comprendes our bitchy sarcasm as sweet and endearing.

While he makes a great accessory, the foreign bro is the most fun a betch can have without changing her relationship status. He wouldn’t get the meaning of “monogamy” if Google translated it into his own language, and if our value system and the foreign bro’s were the two circles of a Venn diagram, there would be little-to-no overlap. While you may consider your hot besties as “completely off limits” to him, he looks at them and thinks, “saving for later.” While we may occasionally take a night off to stay in and smoke, the foreign bro’s version of chilling out is to still go out, but in slightly less tight pants. Also, he may not exist in any of these forums: university classes, public transportation, daylight.

That said, the best thing to do with a foreign bro is to appreciate him for the gift he is and the gifts he gives. He has an accent, is usually well dressed with the exception of his skimpy choice of exercise clothing, and he’s just the right amount of lost in translation, read: shady and confusing. We’re also always winning whenever we get involved with him (even if we’re not) because at the end of the day, we hold the green card.

So betches, go befriend a foreign bro. You will most likely find one simply by following the the scent of thick cigarette smoke and Carolina Herrera for Men. Once you do, let him give you a midnight Spanish lesson. Be sure to take many muploads together in your matching aviators and fur trim bomber jackets and start getting used to being the second most manicured one in the room. Either way, whatever he wants to do, we encourage you to get involved. Jack and Jill might someday fall in love, but Fernando has a table at the club tonight and a bottle with your name on it.

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