Sugar and spice and everything nice are not at all what girls are made of, so why the fuck do all scented candles smell like my grandmother’s house? Well finally, there are realistic scented candles – think if Buzzfeed and Martha Stewart had a child that you could by for $17. Or if Goop got taken over by Justin Bieber for a week.
Here are the best scents and their legit product descriptions:
Frat House Basement
The one thing you won’t regret about your Friday night
“This lovely scent mixes old vintage movie posters with a splash of something that will definitely give you a headache tomorrow morning. However, none of that matters because you will not be able to get past the overwhelming smell of sweat and Jungle Juice. The intoxicating aroma grinds up on you. Sure this candle costs money – but when you’re involved in Greek life, so do your friends.”
Surprise Baby Powder
Because condoms are only 98% effective
“Congratulations (we think) on the upcoming eighteen-year financial commitment to raise another human being. We’re so happy for you, and whoever got you pregnant. They say there is nothing like the laughter of children, especially when that laughter is screaming and it’s the middle of the night. Let the simple smell of our candle be a subtle reminder that you better get your stuff together – and soon.”
One Night Teakwood Stand
So you have something to come home to after your walk of shame
“Nobody should judge what goes on in your bedroom but you. Whether it’s the hard wood you prefer or just the closeness to the bed, our candle fills any room with the aroma of the first time you indulged in that one night teakwood stand. Sure, you may regret your decision later, but regret is just another part of life and we want to celebrate that with you. Also, get tested.”
Smells Like a DUI
What’s the opposite of teen spirit? Getting your license suspended after a DUI.
“Having a little too much to drink and getting behind the wheel is an expensive experience you’re likely not to repeat. Let us provide you with a warm and soothing aroma as you hit rock bottom and realize the bad choices that led to this moment. Nothing will illuminate your path to soberness, or serve as a constant reminder of it, like our hand-crafted candle. Remember, friends don’t let friends drink and drive, so it’s possible you don’t even have a drinking problem — you have a friend problem.”